In response to my original post, Dumbing It Down, someone left what I think is a very insightful comment. My beef in the original post was that a friend told me to dumb down my profile, and not try and be so cute and clever. He claimed I'd get more responses. I, of course, refused, but the comment below explains intelligently why bland profiles might be the way to go (for some, not me). I've copied and pasted the comment below:
"Psychologists say that physical beauty represents something like the average of each feature in that society. I think that women are looking for certain average features, what they would call normal. To them average is beautiful: it's some kind of attraction to centrality. Common phrases are the currency of any online dating system. They are interpreted symbolically. When you move away from them you lose the rich ambiguity of a symbol. Women are very psychic. Symbols mean a lot to them. If you're outside the system of symbols you are not normal, for them, aka unattractive. Jdate is not a poetry competition, it is a community. You have to share in the communal rites if you want the girls, or else they'll all go the leaders - those central figures that incorporate all of the common traits of their society."
I'm more than happy NOT to be average and NOT to use common phrases, and NOT to share in the communal rites of being comfortable in jeans, and looking for partners in crime.
I'll now accept every ignored email, and declined IM with pride. If being boring and bland is gonna get me into the "Jdate community," I'm glad to be a "Jdate leper."
Thank you, kind commenter, wherever you are!
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13 comments:
intelligent, insightful, and exactly what I told you then too...just not in such a fancy book learnin' kinda way!
Very sad, but very true. I think "those central figures that incorporate all of the common traits of their society" really means rich sugar daddies.
Pretty obvious stuff, dude. Boring people want boring mates. Jdate women want rich, boring mates.
Better a "Jdate leper" than a "Jdate Dud." I for one, prefer an interesting, or what some women might call, an "abnormal" profile.
I'm on Jdate and I don't want a rich boring guy. I just want to meet a circumcised guy that isn't wasted in a bar, shares some similar values with me and has a brain. But if we're going to paint the Jdate sexes with such a broad brush, then I'd guess I'm not meeting a great guy because all the guys on Jdate want overtanned, anorexic Blondies who are going to spend every penny possible at the Saks shoe department.
Everything is a matter of chance, timing and openess. Like all our mothers told us, you have to kiss a few frogs first.
Don't be discouraged. I'm not.
Yet.
Screw that commenter, Marc, continue being yourself, she will find you someday! :-) BTW, ignore what Jared said: my JDate boyfriend, with whom I'm EXTREMELY happy, is neither rich (but definitely financially stable) nor boring!!
If you want the girls who want the average, normal guys, then yeah, you have to dumb it down. But isn't the (non-cynical, not-yet-jaded) point of putting yourself out there to find someone who gets what you're giving - without having to edit it for the masses? If you want the average-seeking-girls you can just as easily find them throwing up outside clubs in the meatpacking district at 4:00AM on a Saturday. And you don't even have to write an essay.
Agreed! A pithy, smart profile is a good screen for the boring girls. I went out with a guy once who said I was a member of a "tiny cohort" of women who mentioned neither "watching a movie at home in sweatpants" or Grey's Anatomy in the profile. He refused to date girls who highlight those things. He was a very cool guy--nothing came out of it, but we had a fun evening, and he was the kind of guy I'd like to date.
If a pithy, smart profile is a good screen for the boring girls, my profile is a freakin 50 foot brick wall with snipers on top...which is fine. Problem is the interesting women who aren't vomiting in the meatpacking district at 4am on Sat. nights, or aren't overtanned and looking for rich husbands to pick up their Saks shoes bills seem so few and far between.
I haven't given up hope in general at all, but I have given up hope on Jdate....for now.
Hey, I was just wondering what your (and others) experience has been in regards to women's height requirements.
I'm 5-8 which I never realized was considered short until I went on J-Date and only women who are 5-3 or below will talk to me. This is another reason why JDaters piss me off. I don’t really understand the whole "the guy must be taller" thing (since I can’t legitimately say out loud: 'I only date D cups') but I'm willing to accept it. Yet even with heels, a women who is 5-5 is not going to be looking down at me. WTF?
I got an A in Psych 101 in college so I think that qualifies me to say that women generally like taller men because it makes them feel safe and secure. Like their big, strong man will take care of them. It's not unlike why women want guys with money...so they can be taken care of and feel protected, and that everything's gonna be okay.
Personally, I like shorter women so I rarely go after the 5'4 + crowd. What always annoys me, though, is the chicks who are 4'11 demanding that only guys 6' or above contact them.
What most women would never admit though is that it's not how tall you are, but how strong you are ;)
I have to say I'm enjoying reading your blogs, though I've never been quite the blogger myself. I came across your blog about SawYouAtSinai and Jretro, and just had to read a few more. I had to respond to this one though-don't listen to your friend who told you to "dumb down" your profile. Anyone who is "cute and clever" as you put it should absolutely show that side off, even in the Jdate community. I wish more people would be honest in their profiles, and maybe the dating world would be that much easier.
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