THE "FUCKIN' CUNT" STORY

Every time I listen to the Colombian recount a recent occurrence at the NY Shlong club (aka new York Sports Club), I keep thinking I'm watching an episode of some old sitcom in which the main characters retell events of a robbery or kidnapping to the cops from their own points of view. Like in the version J.J. retells, the sexy female ringleader has the hots for him, or in Potsie's retelling, he makes the girls swoon with his singing, Ralph Malph is killing with his comedy in his version, Carmine "The Big Ragu" is a world renowned dancer in his, and they all wind up foiling the bad guys'' master plan in some sort of heroic act. The point is, the sitcoms and the Colombian's story all contain a kernel of truth mired in a pile of bullshit. And that's where the similarities end. The way the Colombian has been telling the "Fuckin Cunt" story to friends, no one, especially me, comes off as a hero.

In her version, we were both working out at the NYSC. That much is true. She was on the stairmaster and I was apparently standing right next to her climbing the stairs on the same machine. That's the only way her version makes any sense. But I digress. Suddenly, along comes a big, bad muscle man who declares that he intends to turn the fans off in the room because it's too cold and his muscles need to be warm at all times. The Colombian protests and tells him that she and her fellow stair climbers are really hot and she'd appreciate it if he left the fans on. In the midst of some form of roid rage, Schwarzenegger then calls the Colombian a "fuckin' cunt." Upon hearing the insult, instead of defending her honor, I immediately run away in fear for my life, leaving her to fend for herself against a crazed, fire-breathing, musclebound troglodyte.

In the true version that would be revealed at the end of the episode, I was in another part of the gym when this all went down. When the Colombian told me the story, I suggested she report the guy to the management because a. he could be dangerous, and b. if he is dangerous, he's more likely to kick my ass than hers. The end.

I know the Colombian is just teasing me when she tells her version. Plus, I think she gets a kick out of saying "fuckin' cunt" in a New Yawk accent. But now all her friends think I'm a pussy, which I am, but that's none of their business.

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