Search This Blog

Loading...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

MY JDATE STUDY

I've been doing an informal study of Jdate behavior.

My initial hypothesis: Jdate sucks.

I'm still within the parameters of my rehab program so I haven't logged on to email women, but I've been asking people, both males and females, what their experiences have been in terms of getting and giving responses to emails/IMs, etc. Obviously, this study is completely unscientific, and the margin of error is + or - like 100%. Nevertheless, I've gained some interesting insight.

Almost every guy I surveyed claimed they get almost no responses on Jdate. They don't send out as many emails or IMs as I do, but they claim to have a very low, if not, non-existent response rate. They too get ignored, declined, etc. Not surprising. Some of these guys were good looking and interesting, some not so much, but their results have been the same: Almost no responses!

What I've found even more fascinating, however, is that the women I've been speaking to claim that they often don't respond to men simply because they're "not in the mood." They claim to get so many emails, that they somewhat randomly choose the men they respond to. They claim that they may read a profile and see a guy's pic that seems appealing to them, but they won't respond for no other reason than they're "not in the mood." So my question is why the hell bother paying the monthly fee and spending all that time on the site, if you're NOT IN THE GODDAMN MOOD? There should actually be an "I'm not in the mood to respond to you" button women can click, if that's how they feel. Maybe I'll suggest that to the Jdate Board of Directors, if they're not too busy striking a deal to promote a new reality show starring Horshack from "Welcome Back Kotter."

As far as the theory that many people don't pay the membership fee and thus can't respond even if they wanted to, that's shot to shit. Almost everyone I spoke to that was active on Jdate, paid the fee. They all complained about it being too high, but they paid it. Plus, I changed my settings a while back so that I could see if women opened my emails, and roughly 90% did. (I cheated a little and logged on for the purposes of this study, but I didn't email anyone new so I haven't technically fallen off the wagon...yet!).

The final results of my study: Jdate still sucks, but maybe some cute chick who can maintain an intelligent conversation will decide she's "in the mood" to respond to me one day. Of course, by then, my membership will have expired and I won't be able to read her email. And then she'll write about what an asshole I am on her blog for not responding to her.

LOOKING FOR SOME MORE STUFF TO READ, WHILE AVOIDING DOING ACTUAL WORK? CHECK OUT MY NEW SITE AT: http://www.urirosenrauch.com

42 comments:

Isaac said...

scientific or not. your hypothesis and findings are on the money.

mo said...

Not in the mood?...What does that even mean?...Be glad you're done.

Leon said...

I understand that many women get inundated with emails, Ims, and so on, but if you're really not in the mood for it all, remove your freakin' profile.

C said...

Hmm, I'm one of the women who isn't a paying member. I try to sneak it into my profile that people should IM me instead. I always reply to every IM that I receive- whether it be hey we have something in common' or gee you seem nice but I don't think we'd be compatible'. I can't speak for other women but I'd say 90% of the men who've contacted me only want my number or my address so they can attempt a quickie one night kind of thing. The annoying actions of others may be why your response rate is low.....

C said...

Okay so I just discovered your blog and read through many of your posts. You really are very entertaining. Too bad there's no way to contact you..... :)

julia said...

hmm, a little bitter? I am not doubting your findings but I do know of several people who date a lot via j-date and have even met "the one". I have NEVER heard of results as horrible as yours. It probably would not hurt to take a close look at yourself and see if there is anything you are doing that is perhaps hindering the process?

Marc F. said...

Julia, you're right. It IS all my fault. Maybe I should post a pic with a shirt on and remove the line, "What up bitches?" from my profile. That may be why I'm not having success.

Dori said...

I don't respond to IM or "flirts"/"winks", with the thinking that anyone who can't be bothered to compose a short email is probably indiscriminate. Maybe you'd have better luck with emails.

In contrast to your research: I have met many lovely people through JDate, and have never failed to respond to someone who EMAILED because of this "not in the mood" thing.

Anonymous said...

Now you tell me! There should be a rules that a) pictures must have been taken in the last year (I actually escaped to the restrooms on that date, grabbed the waiter and said "save me, give me the bill and say you need the table" b) you have no outstanding pyschiatric problems (close to an hour discussing odd smells in the bathroom of her apartment and whether they were a health hazard) c) if you cancel a date, you have the common courtesy to say "sorry, something urgent came up" even if it is a lie (as opposed to I regretted saying yes and then pretended not to have received your email because somebody else offered me VIP box tickets for a sporting event. Another good one was, instead of just calling and saying, "sorry, it's a bit crazy", sending an email saying that I have to pack for foreign travel that has been organized for months (real excuses as seen on jdate!). Those have been my sorry experience. Still, I have a friend who likes them zaftig and he claims to have had a fabulous time. Something about shooting fish in a barrel, but I know nothing about angling.

Anonymous said...

Dude- you are right on the money. Me and my guy friends (all normal, good looking, professional, etc..) hardly every get responses. But my friends who are women get tons of e-mails/IM's and hardly respond - mainly because they get so many that they can choose to be uber picky. I chew them out, but what are you gonna do? (This is also kind of weird- at least in NYC, where in the Jewish circles there seems to be a higher female to male ratio).

Jdate sucks, but I don’t blame the service. I blame the people. I get the sense that most of the folks are truly shallow. I find that the most "popular" guys (I've done reconnaissance) are generally either rich and/or super buff, with horribly bland profiles. It seems that women are looking for sugar daddies and men looking for one-nighters or trophies. You would think it is just a NYC thing but my friends from across the country have all the same issues. Of course there are people who have met their current spouses on JDate. It is a numbers game, and successes are bound to happen. The question is: what is JDate’s general success rate? I can’t imagine it is that high.

So, like you, I’m on a JDate hiatus. (Sure I log in now and then just to check out the new faces, but I don’t contact anyone). I’m sure I will pick it up again in the winter. But for now, in the last days of summer, who the F---K wants the JDate blues??

Marc F. said...

Anonymous, I appreciate the validation from a brother in arms. I think some of the female readers think I'm either full of shit, or just doing something horribly wrong.

Dori- I never send flirts or those cheesy e-cards. I agree they demonstrate lack of thought and are spammish in a way. I do send lots of IMs, however, and they are as cleverly composed as my emails. I send IMs so that I can communicate with those who don't pay the fee and can't read emails. By "communicate," of course, I mean "be ignored, or declined by." If a person isn't near their computer or chooses not to accept my IM, it gets sent to them in an email where I can be further ignored, if they are paying members. Trust me. It's extr-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-emly difficult for a guy on Jdate. Heed the words of the anonymous commenter. Read other blogs about Jdate written by guys. My story is one that's been told many times.

rebecca said...

Marc, you probably aren't doing anything wrong; it IS just a numbers game! Like I said before, it took me YEARS to find "The One" on JDate, but I finally found him and love and appreciate him so much! Also, my brother and a male cousin met their wives on JDate, so sometimes it DOES work. However, it does NOT happen overnight; it takes much patience and persistence. Hang in there and perhaps try some other sites; don't pin all your dating hopes on JDate alone!

Tiny E™ said...

As a two-time jdate drop out, I could go on for quite a while but I'll address the issue of responding/not responding. When I first started, I decided that I would respond to everyone who emailed me (first-contact-IMs, winks and those stupid e-cards can and should be ignored). So I would respond to most emails with a thanks but no thanks (phrased in a far kinder manner) and call it a day. And for the most part it worked. But then some men would view it as a challenge and would email and IM relentlessly in an effort to change my mind. You dont' want to be mean, but how do you put that to an end after you'd already tried to do it politely? Other men would get pissed and shoot back with viscious attacks. And yeah, you assume they're insane but no one wants to hear that they're 'not that good looking anyway' and that 'you're too damn picky' from strangers. It's unnerving. So in the same way, I'm selective about who I choose to respond to in order to set up an actual phone call or date, I'm now far more selective in who I choose to respond to with a no thanks.

Obviously, this doesn't explain why all the normal, good-looking, professional guys don't get responses, but maybe it provides some insight into the female jdate psyche.

The other answer is that some women just suck.

Marc F. said...

"The other answer is that some women just suck."

-And I've had the pleasure of dealing with many of them.

Anonymous said...

Jewish women don't need a Jewish boyfriend to have Jewish children.

Jewish men do.

Different motiviation patterns maybe ?

Oil and Vinegar said...

Good to know that it goes both ways. I haven't had positive experiences with men on jdate. They seem really stuck up, or maybe they are just not in the mood like you said. It's a bummer. People take this stuff so seriously that they don't meet anyone and it's based almost entirely on looks. Surprise. Mean people suck.

Anonymous said...

I think the "I'm not in a mood" from women comes from the effort and risks involved in starting a relationship...any relationship.

Women just browse because its a nice feeling to be admired, and its fascinating to see who is interested in you. But to take the next step takes much more commitment.

Hell I know I feel the same way when I sell things on craigslist. Its hard to deal with 50 requests when all you want to do is sell a dumb overhead projector.

Anonymous said...

I only seem to meet Russian women on jdate - and when I say Russian, I mean really Russian. They're usually very attractive in their photos. They'll write letters to me that sound like they're in love. After about a week of this sort of old-fashioned, victorian novel-like correspondence, they'll reveal that they're presently living in Vladivostok or Moscow. Of course, they expect you to eventually bring them over to the U.S. Should I say more?

Anonymous said...

Hey, really glad and relieved to hear that i'm not the only one this happens to. Its funny cause I thought Jdate would be an easier, less time consuming way to meet nice girls, but I might have a better chance of going to the sleasy hollywood club down the street.

I actually starting messaging random girls out of my region and if I was lucky enough, 1/10 would answer me. Then I would ask to evaluate my profile cause I thought maybe it was me. A lot of these girls told me exactly what was said earlier, that often they ignored guys cause they were "not in the mood". WTF??? At least most of them put a little confidence in me saying that my profile was fine and I am cute...great, glad you think so JewGirl123 from Cleveland.

All that to say, if you're wondering what the hell is up with the BS of not being responded to, it's most likely them and not you.

Anonymous said...

Some of my guy friends and I were talking about this exact issue yesterday and came to a similar conclusion. I've also talked to female friends about this and, while some have tried to deny it, for the most part they've agreed with your conclusions as well.

While I haven't crunched the numbers, I too have a low response rate. That's not to say I don't meet women regularly on JDate (I had a JDate last night), but I do have to email a lot of women before I get a response.

Anonymous said...

Not only do I get no responses, but occasionally I'll get hot listed by someone thats not even remotely close to me. I'm talking like other side of the country, with profiles that have no content. In other words, fake profiles. Whether or not these are random fake profiles or jDates idea of trying to keep users is anyone's guess.

Also jDate violates free speech. I had posted a line about being skeptical about online dating and they decided to remove it from my profile.

Anonymous said...

I've been on jDate on and off a number of times over the last few years. As others have commented here quite eloquently, the response rate is dismal. Generally, responses are more forthcoming from women without pictures. And those that do respond generally disappear into thin air. Aside from a few female comments here to the contrary, the women all act as if the men are interested in one night stands. So the women, of course, are serious about long term relationships. Nonsense. The men have been trained by the women that are insincere and continue to look for George Clooney as their mate even when they are 60 years old and living on $30,000 a year pensions. The men have to be dashing, intelligent, tall, handsome, successful, fit, intelligent and on and on. And what do the women have to be to earn such a man? Well, just an everyday woman. Both sides share a large dose of hypocrisy and almost no one is really "in the mood to have a relationship." We are all just.........tired. We play this game because we feel we have to. But do we really want to? I think not. Otherwise the success ratio would be a lot higher!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi, i am a descent looking woman so...i love this site. y...the odds. I get a IM when i log on in LA about every 6 mins. My guy friend n i tested it one day. Why do i have a probelm with the site, the men aree jaded. i was dting a guy and on the the 5 or 6th date he turns to me and asks/demands to know why i would be chatting in an IM and then disappear on him? and not even contact him by email?? I did this to him twice BTW. I get barked at all the time by men IMing for several reasons;they are angry because i close a window without saying...good bye in a proper way, to which i ask u men what is the proper way?, and at what point do i say, i am not interested in u? how do u say this ...in a kind way??? Stupid things guys are mad at like; dinner vs lunch, and bitter over so many other bad horrific jdates where women often say, they dont make enough money, dress wrong, whatever. the reason it stinks is many of the men seem to hate the site, and i always ask...so y still use this site, use eharmony for better odds and balance. Here is what I have learned..Jdate is like real life, most of the time, men go on looks first! so most of you are contacting the same 10% of the population of women and are expecting a response. It is over wheleming fo me to just check email sometimes. My advise to all u jaded men. Im or email us again, at a later time or after you update your pictures. Y...i dated this guy who was...no where in the running for a couple months. but he had to email me several times and 3 long IM conversations. I also read the married Jdate stories where a lot of women say, i declined his IMs a couple times...he tells me. We all have days of Jdate jadeism but...it's where the single people are, so u just deal with it and hope the next one....fits your bill. i have also learned on this site, location...as in Real estate is everything, we r all busy people, and want things easy, haha.

Anonymous said...

This really hit home. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

hey, if she isn't in the mood to answer an email, then imagine how often she'd be in the mood to have sex....

skiier4384 said...

I didn't have any success with JDate until I added 25 lbs. of muscle in the past year and got jacked off of heavy doses of creatine. My response rate went from 1% to 50%, which is great for the site. I'm currently dating 7 women from JDate, however they are all superficial and into the "bad boys." Girls on POF, EHarmony and OKCupid are so much easier to deal with. I don't plan on taking it that far with any of these JDate women, and I don't think I'll marry within my faith anymore, but it sure is fun. Just get jacked, and you'll get women. However, be warned that they all act like Paris Hilton. No long term relationship material will be found on this site.

Anonymous said...

The 2 women I met from Jdate from NYC/Bronx had HERPES....anyone dating a gal whos initial starts with 'A' hit me up, and be careful..she was drop dead gorgeous...2 doctors visits later and 2 blood tests, I got lucky

online pick up said...

I would agree with one of the above posts that said it isn't neccessarily the service but the people. I've realized over the years there are a lot of crazies out there, but if you get to the good ones the site is great.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for the article!

I have had similar experience on JDate and was asking myself similar questions.

This explained a lot to me!

Lipstick and Playdates said...

I got one date off JDate, which I wrote about in my blog. I know guys who've been on JDate for years, which should say something.

Anonymous said...

Mixed Bag for me

I'm a "regular looking guy" 53 years old divorced Latin guy, not rich or full of muscles - but sort of decent looking.

I was on JDate last year for three months and then dropped off bcz I met somebody at my Synagogue. My experience during my three months was sort of unexpected, I got bombarded by emails.., I initially tried to respond to all emails - but it was impossible. I met some really nice women (some much younger than me - they contacted me, it just happened) I went out on many dates and found out that yes we all are different in a posting than in real life. - At some point I got exhausted and felt like a "serial dater" - not a good feeling for me.

In several of the dates I have gone I have found many really nice women - but there has not been a click on the longer term thing, mostly on my side...my problem I guess.

In a handful there was a huge almost unbelievable difference between the profile and the real person - I mean not a positive thing. That is why I decided that when there is contact, I xchange a couple of emails, maybe a tel call or two or three but not more than a handful and then say, ok let's have coffee at Starbucks and see...It works and saves on the tel bill and brings the thing down to reality. Sometimes I have just gotten plain invited to their houses or women have traveled from out of state to get together - these have been nice and sensitive Jewish women.-

A few months ago my gf and I broke up - We wanted different things from the relationship... and I was back in JDate (been there for ~ 2 mos)

This time it was somewhat different, more like the comments in the postings. I had to block one because she kept going and going daily and avoiding the Startbucks thing..I've been out with a few, again nice Jewish women but I have also done, as a sort of xperiment, contact with a larger group of women that I would think I should at least gotten a response from - zero responses -which scientifically speaking I found puzzling.

Many years ago I did the same experiment at another dating site and the results were surprising to me: made like 100 contacts, contacted all the latin american women I liked and some locals: results, I only got response from the non Latin locals (Maryland/DC) about 10

My conclusion: finding somebody you click with can be very difficult (in real life.) I used to follow Date Lab in the Washington Post for kicks and in three years (about 150 arranged dates) I think I remember only one (!!!) that sort of looked like it might have gone somewhere - you be the judge...

There are some really nice and sincere women out there, there are many flakes too, I think for me putting all eggs in JDate is not a good idea...for the many reasonable comments in this blog.

As of the end of this month I'm out of JDate and just want to see if I meet "my one" in real life.

Anonymous said...

It's refreshing to see a blog like this! I have been on and off of Jdate for years...I am an above average looking guy with a good job and live outside NYC in my own place. Some of these girls on Jdate are the most shallowed $*#&D& you could ever imagine. One so so looking girl something of the name of kosher n cute (so stay away!) talks to me for hours having already seen my pics on jdate, asks for my facebook and then doesn't talk to me again b/c apparently my facebook pics didn't match up to my jdate pics. Well, she's wrong they do and she's an idiot:)

Another girl I went on a first date with and it was amazing, we kissed etc etc...second date, she came over to my place and we had intimate times and it was great yadda yadda..."I like you" she says, "I look forward to seeing you again". All of a sudden it goes downhill and can't even get her out to dinner...doesn't know what she wants all of a sudden, more of the yadda yadda.

Do any of you other guys seem to find these "Inconsistent women" where they want you one minute and then want to play games the next even tho they explicitly state in their profile that they don't want to play games???

question to friends said...

I like this article!!!! So interesting

Anonymous said...

So how do i insert contact info in my profile if im too cheap to pay? Nothing worked

Doctor J said...

Great post!
On one of the forums I read excellent statement why Jewish girls are staying single
“The problem developed when woman were told by their stupid parents that they don’t need a man.”
A typical never married woman on J-date is a combination of narcissist personality and egoism. All they need is a travel companion or a kosher (STD-free) man in the bed.

Anonymous said...

The comment that mentions George Clooney made me laugh. Some of the jewish women out there are so superficial, it's amazing! They can be such hypocrites when it comes to dating. How is it that a 5'2" woman absolutely NEEDS a man who is at least 5'11"? He had better be hot & rich, but it's perfectly OK for the woman to be 20 pounds overweight and barely able to pay the bills (or even better, in her 30's and still living off her parents). And if he doesn't look exactly like Ryan Phillippe (or whoever the hottest actor in the newest chick flick is), he can forget it!

I've heard my sister say that men can be the same way when it comes to women. HONESTLY now, all I really need is a woman who I'm just a little bit attracted to and a working vajayjay. Is that too much to ask for??? I've given up on messaging women because the ONLY way I can get them to respond to me is if they message me first. That's a winning strategy, RIGHT?? (...NOT!!!).

Anonymous said...

All these post from guys really surprised me. In general, there are more Jewish women who are looking to meet Jewish men than the other way around, and more women who want to find something serious and men who are afraid of commitment. I'm a woman who recently joined JDate and am already rather frustrated. I'm in my mid-twenties, but told by everyone I meet that I look younger (more like early twenties). I have a high degree of education with degrees from top-tier schools. And I'm in very good physical shape. I'm no supermodel, but people frequently tell me I have a pretty face (not just creeps on JDate). And I constantly get hit on when I go out, though by non-Jewish guys since I'm not in a place with a ton of Jews. (Actually, I'm not in the US. There is JDate across the Atlantic too). Anyways, I joined JDate recently to meet Jewish guys, and will admit that I've also faced rejection. All these posts have focused on women not responding. But guys don't always respond either. So far, all three of my attempts at messaging the guy first have failed! Only in one case he responded to my first message but not the second. This really surprises me. I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong or if it's because good-looking, well-educated, nice-seeming guys think you're too much of a push-over if you're the one who contacts him first. Or maybe it's the way I phrased the message: "hi, I found your profile and photo interesting. I hope you will tell me more about yourself since you didn't write much [no one writes much on their profiles where I live, maybe because it has to be in English]. Here's some more info about me: I have studied and worked in X field in X, Y, Z cities, and for my hobbies, I love A, B, C. Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have about me. What about you?" Does that sound bad???
You may argue that I can't complain because I also don't respond to the majority of the messages I receive. But there are usually very clear reasons for that. For one, I don't respond to harassing messages or flirts, which just say things like "beautiful girl" or "awesome photos." Second, I don't respond to guys who clearly don't match the criteria I selected under "Ideal Match." In most cases, the guys are way older than me (more than ten years). Sometimes they smoke, and other times they don't even have a college education. In some cases they technically meet the criteria, but they are in really bad shape. I'm not looking for a movie star and I'm not that superficial, but simply put, there has to be physical chemistry. If the guy is decent looking but just not my type, I usually respond though I don't always have time to do so right away. I'm also not certain of the right way to turn someone down so I have to take more time before I think through the message. While I don't think guys should be intimidated from sending messages to girls, they should also not go for ones that are way out of their leagues. Shoot, now you're probably going to say that the guys I messaged were probably way out of my league. Well, even if I wasn't enough of a starlet for them, I definitely wasn't that far off. And honestly, none of them were out of my league. They weren't the hottest either, but just ones I thought might be my type. So could someone please clarify the reasons why guys sometimes don't respond to messages???

Anonymous said...

I tried jdate and other dating websites for 5 years. I was sending emails from time to time and received almost no response.
I am out of online dating now. Why continue on this path of personal humiliation? The most interesting part is my sister found someone on line and they being married for the past 7 years. So I have to blame myself for complete failure on online dating. Am I?

Anonymous said...

I am a female and just joined this site and came across this because I am pretty frustrated already. I would never not respond to an interesting guy because I "wasn't in the mood". That is just lame. I have been bombarded with emails... and a big reason why I don't respond is because they obviously didn't read my profile. They are waaayyy out of my age range or super far away... and I state what I'm looking for in my profile and it is completely reasonable... or they just send a flirt which is cheesy and makes me think they will send them out to anyone with a vagina. That's all!

black magic specialist said...

Julia, you're right. It IS all my fault. Maybe I should post a pic with a shirt on and remove the line, "What up bitches?" from my profile. That may be why I'm not having success.
now suggest me how to get love back now.

Anonymous said...

I too am frustrated by the lack of choices, and lack of responses on JDate. I'm not a bad looking guy, I have a profile complete with many recent pictures, and I always respond to people who contact me.

Someone should write the 'JDate Etiquette Manual', and enlighten the women (who also complain that JDate sucks) that they are what makes the Jdating experience suck.

I have heard that other websites are much friendlier. I will be moving over to one of them when my membership expires.

Anonymous said...

Really? It's easier to meet a woman almost anywhere else, anytime but Jdate. The other online date sites are not much better odds. Woman get hundreds of emails!! My friend had over 300 emails in her inbox.. She became so arrogant, staring at her cell phone all the time.. The constant beep! of incoming email date requests, I quit spending time with her!! Guys let's wake up and get out there and start talking to woman like you were taught in the 10th grade.. That's how it work's, so let's do it !!! We choose who we talk to, when and where, that's our advantage! Internet dating is made for woman because it's passive.. must be nice to sift through hundreds of offers. At first on Jdate I thought of "witty" emails to send.. Forget it!! Now I just say read my profile and if you like it contact me, cheers!! Done. I check my email every 3 days and wait 3 days to respond. No I'm done with that Jdate when my membership ends..no response, waiting around is for the birds.