Search This Blog

Friday, December 24, 2010


My friend Horowitz thinks any woman with blonde hair (bleached or real), a flat stomach, a fake tan, and a set of Lee Press on Nails is hot. I'm not a contrarian by nature, so I just nod whenever he points out a woman, or shows me a picture of a woman he believes to be "hot." A mutual friend who's in on the "Horowitz Hot" joke called me last night to let me know that our buddy was dating someone new. I tried my hardest to refrain from asking the obvious questions: What does she look like? Did she audition for Jersey Shore? Does she wear sweatpants that are a size too small with "Juicy" written on her ass? Does she say "axe" or "eeyx" instead of "ask?" What cosmetology school did she go to? But my resolution for the new year, as well as what's left of this one, is to be non-judgmental.

"You meet her?" I axed.

"Yeah, last night," he said.

"And?" I asked in my non-judgmental attempt to find out what she looked like, if she auditioned for Jersey Shore...

"I gotta tell you. She's hot! Not Horowitz Hot, but like people with taste hot. She's breathtaking," he said, surprised.

"Breathtaking? How's that possible? Would Horowitz even be attracted to a woman who was genuinely attractive? I mean, I know beauty is subjective, but would Horowitz be attracted to a woman most men across vast cultural divides could agree was objectively hot, like Christie Brinkley?"

"Christie Brinkley! Shit! How fuckin' old are we?"

"I'd still do Christie Brinkley, even though she's in her fifties. I'd probably do her in her sixties too, but that's my point. She's this ageless beauty that someone like Horowitz couldn't appreciate ...or could he? I don't know."

So much for the New Year's resolution. At first, I thought I was jealous that he was dating someone someone else called "breathtaking." The Colombian is beautiful, easily the best looking woman I've ever dated, but I chalked my discomfort up to petty little thoughts like: Why should his girlfriend be hotter than mine? Then I thought I was bothered by the fact that a man with low standards was being rewarded with a prize meant for someone with good taste, like trailer trash who win the lottery and move into a palace. Surely, they couldn't appreciate the finer things in life, so why bother wasting such treasures on them?

"She seemed really into him too," my friend said.

"He's a happy-go-lucky, good looking guy. I could see that. What does she work in a bowling alley or something?"

"She's a psychologist and she teaches at Columbia."

"Breathtaking AND educated? What am I missing here? Has Horowitz ever even a read anything besides an Archie comic? He thinks saying "whatnot" makes him sound intelligent."

"Whatever, she's into him. Come out with us tomorrow night. We'll get Chinese like the rest of the Jews in the city. You can check her out yourself."

So I'll meet her tomorrow, and I'll try my best to be non-judgmental and accept the fact that my friend with no taste has a breathtaking, educated girlfriend. But I have to admit, part of me is hoping she shows up in sweatpants with "Juicy" written on her ass so I know everything is right with the world.



valerie said...

Well what happened with Horowitz's new girlfriend?

Marc F. said...

Dinner got canceled. Maybe next weekend.

Transport company in Taif said...

The best Transport company in Taif and Imher carpenters in the dismantling and installation of furniture.

Best Foot Massager said...

Which Best Foot Massager To Buy – Which Foot Massager Is Right For You? If you ask which Foot Massager model is the finest this year, certainly I would recommend going through this guide to know which Best Foot Massager is actually market leaders.

alexathomson said...

Thanks For providing such a beautiful article. I appreciate this Post. Call on Reckon Customer Support Number and get your account related issues.

Reckon Support For Mac said...

Reckon software provides the uncompromised services to both the Windows and Mac users. If you need more information about accounting software and face any issue by using them on Mac you are free to communicate the Reckon Support Phone Number.
Reckon Support
Reckon Support Number
Reckon Customer Service
Reckon Customer Service Toll-free Number

Reckon Support Number said...

The heart winning accounting software across the globe is none other than Reckon Hosted Accounting software that lets you work and run your business from anywhere on a PC, Mac or tablet. Reckon Support Number is a right way to get more information about reckon software.

Accounting Help Number |+1 (888)2530666 | Quickbooks support said...

QuickBooks is an accounting tool that will help a company to track vendors and clients, as well as functions related tasks in an easy and smooth manner. One can get the account as per his budget and needs available in different payment options. QuickBooks keeps bringing regular promotions which the users can avail with the help of technicians. A team of QuickBooks dedicated professionals is always available for you in order to sort out all your issues so that you can do your work without hampering productivity. Visit : Quickbooks support