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Tuesday, April 1, 2008


This recent piece in The New York Times magazine reminded me of the time a friend tried to set me up with a particular woman.

"She's 32, really cute, smart, cool, (along with a whole bunch of other adjectives)," she told me. She sung this chick's praises for a good five minutes before she said, "There's just one thing."

"She's schizophrenic?," I asked.

"No," she responded.

"Member of a Satanic cult?"


" anti-semite?"

"No. She's just a virgin," she said nonchalantly.

"JUST a virgin? I'd rather she be a schizophrenic, Satan worshiping, Jew hater," I remember telling her.

"Why?," she wanted to know.

"Because at least then I'd have a chance of getting laid."

"Who says you won't have that chance with her?"

"Because she's 32 and hasn't had sex yet," I insisted. "I don't think she's taking the chastity belt off for me."

"You never know," she replied.

"Sounds like she's waiting for the 'one,' which is fine," I said, "But I'm not gonna date her and wait to see if I win the lottery. Set her up with some other poor bastard...or another virgin so they can hold hands, and wear each other's friendship rings. This chick is not for me."

"You're missing out," she said, failing to see the irony of her statement. "Are you just looking for sex?"

I remember sighing, and saying, "Yes, I'm a sex maniac. What are you wearing?"

Two months later she set the "virgin" up with a mutual friend. He boned her on the second date... and got an STD.

Guess I did miss out after all...on painful urination and a week of antibiotics.