"Write down her screen name," my friend told me.
"Screen name?" I asked. "Just give me her number."
"She's been out with a lot of losers lately. She prefers if you IM her," he explained.
"So what am I supposed to sit online, and wait for her to pop onto my buddy list? That's fuckin' ridiculous. What is this 9th grade?," I protested.
"She said she's usually online from 9 to 10. IM her tonight."
"So this is some prearranged IM session? That's creepier than a prearranged marriage. At least after the marriage ceremony, you get laid at some point. What am I gonna get out of this? A bunch of long pauses between IMs and a few 'LOL's?," I complained.
"Just fuckin' IM her, " he said.... And I did. These are the highlights:
Her: how tall r u?
There was no question mark, exclamation point, or any other way I could figure out whether she was questioning my height, was disappointed by it, or indifferent to it.
What then followed was one of those two minute IM pauses, during which you don't know if you've been blown off, or if the other person got up to pee, had a stroke at their computer, is talking to other people, lost their internet connection, or has left you sitting there like an ass waiting for a response for any number of other reasons. I thought two minutes was a long enough waiting period, and I typed: "Seems like you're busy. Let's chat some other time." Before I could hit "send," she chimed back in with:
HER: i've gone out with a lot of guys who claim to be taller then they are. i went out with a guy last week who said he was 5'8 but was really 5'4
ME: If you want, you can measure me when we meet. All 68 inches of me.
Then came another pause. Did I offend her with my measuring my inches joke,? I wondered. Ah screw her, I thought. She practically accused me of lying about my height. But this pause only lasted about 30 seconds or so before she came back with:
She had to be talking to other people, I thought. It couldn't have taken her 30 seconds to come up with "lol." But then I read what she had to say next:
HER: wait a sec. 68 inches isnt 5 feet 8.
ME: Sure it is. 12 in. in a foot, x 5 ft= 60. Plus 8 in. 60+ 8 = 68.
HER: no. i just googled it. It's 5"4.
Are you mother fucking kidding me?, I thought, sitting there, laughing and seething at the same time. She googled it?!...She fuckin' googled it?!
ME: I don't know what to tell you. I'm 5'8, no matter what google says.
HER: to many guys have lied to me about their height.
ME: If I were gonna lie about my height, I'd lie taller than 5'8. Why not make myself 6'1, if I'm lying already?
I waited another thirty seconds for her to hit me back with...guess what?:
I got an extra "OL" on that one, and in all caps. I wasn't even trying to be funny. I was just making a point, and looking for a polite way to extricate myself from this moronic IM session.
ME: Anyway, it's getting late. It was nice chatting with you. Gotta wake up for work tomorrow, and I'm sure you do to...
(for your job as a teacher where you'll corrupt the minds of our youth with your unfathomable stupidity)....
HER: 1 sec. brb
Shit, I thought. Now I have to wait for her to type something else before I can sign off. Family Guy was about to start, and I was stuck staring at this IM window waiting for someone with whom I had no desire to speak to come back, and type "LOL" again.
I left the IM window open, the volume on high, and I walked over to the sofa to enjoy my show. She never came back. Maybe she spent the rest of the night googling how many inches I'd be, if I were 6'1. Maybe she got caught up in the fantasy of having all those long, throbbing inches to herself, and forgot I was waiting for her.