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Friday, March 21, 2008

The Oracle of Costco

A friend invited me over to check out his new house in the burbs. I'd have been more than happy to see pictures of the house rather than have to trek out to the land of endless strip malls and Applebees, but there was a Costco nearby, and they had something I needed. I decided to be a nice guy and get my brother one of those foam mattress toppers for his birthday. He'd been complaining about his inability to sleep well on his current mattress, and I figured a repeat of last year's gifts of a bag of weed, and a Family Guy boxed set, weren't gonna help his sleeping issues. So my buddy Shmegs picked me up in his pickup truck, and like Fred and Lamont Sanford, off we went into suburbia.

I got to the register at Costco, and without incident, the guy rang up the two "giant roll" 36 packs of toilet paper I had in the cart. Feeling confident that my ass would now not go unwiped for many, many months, I just waited for him to scan the mattress so I could pay and be on my way. When he saw that the topper was a king size, he put down his scanner, got really serious, and gave me the look a father gives his son when the son gets into trouble at school...or has to be bailed out of jail at 3 AM.

"Are you married!?," he demanded to know. "Why you buying a king size!? "

"It's for my brother. It's a gift," I said in my defense, scared he might take his belt off and whack me one.

"Good," he said, relieved. "Don't ever fuckin' get married! You'll be miserable."

As I waited for the guy at the exit to pretend to studiously check my receipt before allowing me to leave with my purchases, I thought - "Is Costco guy right? Should I not even bother dating anymore?" He was pretty damn adamant about how he felt. Spit flew out of his mouth. Then as Shmegs helped me put the mattress in the back of the pickup, I thought a 45 year old guy, working as a cashier at Costco probably isn't the best choice for a life coach.

Right now I've got the queen size topper, which is perfect for one, but if I ever need to upgrade to a king, I'll make sure to get it at a different Costco. If the wise man at this branch catches me buying another king, he'll never believe it's not for me, and he may just take his belt off and try and teach me a lesson.