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Monday, October 29, 2007

The Shower Incident

I like Jdate...compared to setups, that is. What you don't get with a setup is anonymity. You have people to answer to after a setup. With Jdate, if it's one and done, no one is the wiser. You don't have to justify why you won't call the woman again to your friend's wife's cousin's, gardener's, sister in law's gynecologist...or whoever set you up.

Case in point:
I was recently set up with a woman, and it was one of those dates where the conversation can only be compared to taking a hard shit: slow and painful. Well, maybe just painful. The pre-date phone call was pretty much the same so I wasn't surprised. But since it was a setup, and I agreed to call, I felt obligated to go on the date, which is another thing I don't like about setups. On Jdate, the date never would have happened after a bad phone conversation.

So my date and I are sitting there, not talking, and in an effort to drown out the sound of crickets, I decided to say whatever popped into my head at the time. So I asked her what she does when she's in the shower and forgets what part she's up to. With a blank stare, she replied, "Huh?...What do you mean?"

I said, "When you're taking a shower, and you forget what body parts you've already washed, what do you do? Do you start your whole routine over, or do you just guess?"

"I don't really have a routine," she responded, clearly not pleased with the direction the conversation was headed.

"Everyone has a routine in the shower," I said. "First, I wash my hair, then my face, then my chest, arms..."

She cut me off before I got to the interesting parts and said, "I don't really pay attention to that kind of stuff."

"Uh huh," was my response, and the deafening sound of the proverbial crickets once again filled the empty Starbucks.

As we sat there sipping our drinks, I thought to myself, "Who doesn't have a routine? What does she just soap herself up with some enormous, body sized loofah sponge?" I wanted to continue the conversation, but it seemed pointless and she was starting to nervously stare at her watch.

Obviously, there was to be no follow up date, and we said our goodbyes outside the Starbucks and that was that...until yesterday. That was when the person who set us up got back from vacation and heard what happened.

"Why in the hell are you asking her about her showers?," she screamed at me. "Do you think that's appropriate first date conversation?"

"No, staring at each other in silence is more appropriate. Your friend's sister is kind of lacking in the conversational skills department so I had to think of something to say," I responded in my defense.

"You couldn't talk about the weather, or something? What's wrong with you. She was very upset."

"I didn't ask her for pictures," I responded, "I was just trying to make conversation. Did I make her cry or something?"

"No, but she wasn't pleased with you," she said.

"Well, I'm not pleased when I make an effort to talk to a person and she sits there with her arms folded and acts like she's doing me a favor by answering my questions," I replied.

"Next time, keep the conversation down to the basics. You know, work, family...that kind of stuff."

"Next time?," I said, "What next time?"

"You're gonna call her again, aren't you?," this clueless matchmaker responded.

"Uh...No. The date was bad. Besides, you made it sound like I traumatized her with my shower talk. Why would she wanna go out with me again?"

"You can't tell anything from a first date. People are uncomfortable. They're nervous....So when you gonna call her?," she continued.

"When she gives me a detailed account of her shower routine...and this time I want pictures," I said.

"You're impossible" was the last thing she said before she sighed and said goodbye.

Maybe I am impossible, but for the record, it's: Hair, face, chest, back, arms, underarms, ass, balls, legs, feet. And if I get lost or confused in the middle, I smell myself to see which parts smell washed, and continue from there.

Is that so damn hard?


JJ said...

I'm a balls before ass guy myself, but I could see if the woman was uptight to begin with why she'd be uncomfortable with that type of conversation.

Nikki said...

The person who set you up doesn't seem too bright. What part of "bad date" wasn't she getting?

Don'tCallMeMarvin said...

Your question, though odd, seemed harmless enough but you gotta have a certain type of sense of humor to appreciate it, which she clearly lacked.

Miranda Murphy said...

I have a routine and would have been at least somewhat amused by your obvious attempt to make conversation in an atmosphere of uncomfortable silence.
I also may have told you that I've read about some psychosomatic reasonings behind what type of person you are, dependent on whether you begin at your chest, head, feet or arms!!!
Why is it so hard for people to make conversation, instead of getting all stuck up and pissed off?

Simmer said...

Hilarious post! I have to say though, that was risquey! Well a lot of people are into shock and a lot are not into it. I can understand though why she might have interpreted it as an insult, because once somebody says that to you it's obvious he doesn't really respect you enough to care to make a positive impression. Showers are just sexual places whether you like it or not. Might have as well asked her what's her favorite position.

Ari said...

Asking about shower routine is risque?! Are you dating Amish chicks?

Herself said...

Very amusing. You remind me of my ex-husband. This is not a bad thing.

jared said...

After my delicates are properly scrubbed, I sort of just let the soap run down my legs. If I forget what I'm up to, I re-start with that same area so at least I know my bottom half is clean.

ari said...

Alas, this is the Tao of finding one's bashert. One lets the Tao teach him lessons about not pursuin agressively but being weak and passive and receiving the love that's given. As it's impossible to make someone hear who doesn't want to hear, so too one can not find the love that doesn't want to be found. But like seeking the rain, one ends up waiting till it comes of its own. Women like the conscious must be cleared by concentrating them into a plane and from a plane into a line and from there into a single point until it vanishes into non being. That's where love is made.

Mo said...

Maybe you should hook Ari up with the Kabbalah chick. They can vanish on planes of non-being together.

limey said...
this should answer all your shower questions

Jessica said...

whoa, whoa, whoa. Your butt isn't the last thing you wash? Ew... Oh wait, unless you're one of those ones who just lather up their hands and don't use a loofah or washcloth...then not so ew.