THE UNION SQUARE BONER

I spent a good part of my day on Saturday in Union Square Park. The meeting the Colombian had in the neighborhood that was only supposed to take forty-five minutes, wound up taking around two hours. While I waited for her, I killed time eavesdropping on the telephone conversation of a girl who sat next to me on the steps facing 14th street. When I grew tired of hearing her tell her friend how much she hated some girl named Jennifer, who's apparently a "pig who hooks up with guys 'cause otherwise no guy would look at her," I made my way through the farmer's market. An angry Asian fruit stand worker barked, "NO GANIC!" at me when I politely asked if he had any organic apples, and I watched a grown man throw a pretty embarrassing tantrum when his wife/girlfriend was taking too long buying bread. But by far the highlight of the day was when the Colombian and I sat on a bench in the park digesting the dinner we had eaten a few blocks away at Gustorganics -- a place that in my opinion should do a better job cleaning their bathrooms, if they're gonna charge $17 for a veggie burger, and $22 for a plate of risotto. I get that "ganic" ingredients cost more, and that Manhattan retail rents are outrageous, but how much does it cost to buy a shmateh to wipe the piss off a toilet seat? And while I'm on the subject, ladies, why not just lift the seat altogether if you're not gonna sit on it?

But I digress.

As we sat on the bench, we noticed two couples going at it. One young man in his twenties appeared to be fingering his girlfriend on a bench, while she talked on her phone (either her boyfriend wasn't doing it right, or she's a really good multi-tasker), and about twenty feet from them, stood a man in his late forties, making out with a woman of undetermined age. The guy in his forties and his woman were going at it pretty intensely, and unlike the young girl being fingered, this woman seemed into it. I was seconds away from telling both couples to get a room, when the woman with the older guy ended the makeout session, gave him one last peck goodnight, and walked away.

The fortyish guy stood there triumphantly, watching his kissing partner leave. He had a grin of satisfaction on his face, like a teenager who'd just made out with the head cheerleader. He was visibly proud, happy...and hard. I didn't notice at first, but the Colombian pointed to the bulge in his plaid shorts that weren't quite short shorts, but were too high above the knee to be in style. He had to have felt it, but he seemingly didn't care if the whole park, or the whole world for that matter, knew he was excited to have made out with a woman. He was standing directly across from us and I half expected him to walk over and offer to show us what he was packing behind his shorts. But before he could, I decided to take the Colombian home and show her what I was packing behind mine.

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