Like I Need More Excuses Not To Leave The House

I don't remember ever seeing as many people in Halloween costumes as I did on Saturday night. Maybe it's because Saturday night was the first time I've left the house on Halloween in I think, ever. I don't get the whole dressing up thing and I'd never go to a party where I was required to wear a costume, but if that's your thing, then god bless you. Maybe I'm a smug, cynical douchebag who thinks he's too cool for dress up, but I just think it's kinda silly. So by the time I was done rolling my eyes at the fifth Superman with the sock enhanced crotch I'd seen in as many minutes, I barely had the energy to do the same at the gay pirate who couldn't figure out how to work the Metrocard machine. But I mustered up the strength because, well, as I said above - that's just downright silly.

I saw a fair share of women in military uniforms. I wasn't aware that "push-up" bras (or as I like to call them , "Please, Please, Please Look At My Tits and Think They're Really This Big" bras) were standard issue nowadays, but you live and learn. I thought the boyfriend/girlfriend duo dressed respectively in a Mets and Yankees Jersey and cap were trying too hard to be cute, and I wanted to tell the guy I saw in drag to just go home, if he wasn't even gonna try a little.

I didn't want to actually smack anyone until I got on the packed train and was forced to listen to a loud, balding, sweaty guy dressed as John Cusack from "Say Anything." I only know who he was supposed to be because loud, bald, sweaty guy announced it to like five different people after he bragged to each of them about how drunk he was gonna get later. I just saw some schmuck in a trench coat holding a boom box. I don't even remember if I ever saw "Say Anything," but apparently it's cool to like that movie for some reason. I'm pretty sure John Cusack didn't have either a severe glandular problem, or Malaria, in that film, so I think it's understandable that I didn't get the costume given all the sweating.

At some point during the ride, loud, bald, sweaty guy became loud, bald, sweaty, bloody guy when he cut his hand on his boom box and started dripping blood on the floor. I was so annoyed by his loud, bald, sweatiness that I wanted to scream at him like I was his alcoholic father: "You see what happens when you carry stupid shit around like a boom box, you fucking imbecile?! We're packed in here like sardines and you're walking around with a radio from the eighties? What the fuck is wrong with you? If you need props and have to explain your costume, then it's stupid! Next Halloween you're staying home!" When the 1989 John Cusack impersonator couldn't find a tissue, he began to suck on the cut and soon had blood all over his mouth. For the next ten minutes, all I heard was, "Is it on my face? Seriously. Is it on my face?" I knew then I'd definitely be staying home next Halloween.

But I'm glad I went out this Halloween. On what other night of the year could I see four different "Shirtless Jdate Guy" costumes? Yes, that's a real costume - I think. These were guys just walking around in jeans and no shirts. There was no logical explanation for them not to be wearing shirts other than the fact they were in costume, and given that they had nothing else to offer besides shirtlessness, I just assumed they were dressed (or not dressed in this case) as "Shirtless Jdate Guys." The only thing missing was a cardboard cut out of a profile they could stick their faces in, in which they list their heights at least four inches taller than they actually are, and lie about how much money they make. I can only hope that these guys went to parties where they found women in "46 But List Their Ages As 34 To Come Up In Searches" costumes. I hear those are very popular.