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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Manhattanite

A long while back, I IM'd some woman on Jdate. I remember our conversation not only because it was enraging, but because that IM session was one of maybe ten I'd had during my entire Jdate career. And ten is probably being generous - unless getting declined counts as having an IM session with a woman, in which case I've had many more. But what triggered my memory of the instant messaging session in question was having almost the exact same conversation with the same woman on the phone last night.

I'd gotten this woman's number from a friend who had gotten the number from her friend who had apparently found the number scribbled on a piece of toilet paper that got stuck to the bottom of her shoe while she was peeing on the seat in a Starbucks bathroom. I can think of no other logical explanation since that appears to be how much thought was put into this set-up by the parties involved.

Though the IM exchange with this woman was at least two years ago, I was almost immediately overcome by a feeling of deja Jdate.

"So where in the city did you grow up?" she asked.

"Brooklyn," I said.

"Brooklyn isn't the city," she said, and I knew right then by her condescending, "You're Bridge and Tunnel trash and I'm not" tone that I'd spoken to this shithead once before. I quickly ran to my computer and opened the email my friend sent me containing this woman's picture. I knew that Jewish nose looked familiar.

"It's a borough of New York City," I responded, wondering why I was again defending myself to this elitist schmuck - only now I was speaking the words instead of typing them angrily on my keyboard.

"Technically, I suppose. But I don't consider Brooklyn 'The City.'"

"Not technically. It's an actual borough. I know. I grew up there."

"You know what I mean. It's not Manhattan."

"That's why they call it Brooklyn. So I take it you grew up in Manhattan," I said, pretending we'd never spoken before.

"Born and bred," she said proudly.

"Uh huh. So do you only date guys who grew up in Manhattan?" I asked, hoping she'd say yes and hang up on me.

"No, but there's something to be said for native Manhattanites."

Like what? You're all obnoxious douchebags with big noses who given your ages and extremely average looks shouldn't be so fucking picky?... Oh wait, that's just you!

"I actually enjoyed growing up in Brooklyn. Some of my fondest memories are from that time in my life. Brooklyn was great," I said before I told myself to stop trying to prove to her that I'm worthy of her attention.

"Yeah, well, do you have any other pictures you can send me?" she asked, putting to rest any doubt that this was the same woman from Jdate. I remember her asking me the same thing over two years ago. "I have a certain type of look that I like. Do you have any pictures where I can see you more clearly? "

Sure. And do you have any pictures in which your face doesn't look like it has a raging hard-on? YOU have a certain look you're into? So do I, and the "before" model in a rhinoplasty ad ain't it. Why didn't your fancy Manhattan daddy take you to a fancy Manhattan plastic surgeon when you were a teenager, or why didn't he at least get you Photoshop lessons? These were all things I wish I had typed to her over two years ago and now I was wishing I had the balls to say to her on the phone.

Instead, I asked: "Are you on Jdate?"

"Yeah, are you? Do you have other pictures on there?"

"No."

"No, you're not on Jdate, or no you don't have other pictures on there?"

No, I don't want to talk to you anymore or ever again.

8 comments:

Dark Cloud Nine said...

ouch! you gotta admit, some might have interpreted running into the same person two years apart as serendipity ;)

kinkybootbeasts said...

Very fitting that this number came off of a piece of TP attached to someone's shoe.

Anonymous said...

How did you end the conversation? Did you hang up on her?

Jaclyn said...

How old is this lunatic? She is well on her way to being alone in her 50s.

Anonymous said...

Mark,

I really enjoy your blog. But you need to stop wasting your time on JDate. In fact, stop wasting your time dating women in NYC (or all Western women) and thoughts of marriage and family if you can "just meet that special someone"

Google MGTOW, read Baskerville's "Taken Into Custody" and take a trip to South East Asia. These three things will change/save your life.

freckledk said...

Is it awful that reading this made me feel better about my dating troubles of late? If so, my apologies, but I think you've made my day with this.

Noph angel, son of Georgiel said...

In Soviet Russia we said that if you come from the wrong city you are a bastard.

Anonymous said...

You don't want to know how most New York girls treat suburbanites, even after you get past the superiority complex and the fact that she knows more about San Francisco than places just 13 miles from her apartment.

New York women (and men, I'm led to believe) always expect us to come in for the first date, and often the second and third. Despite the expense of a bus or train ride into the city and maybe a subway ride (which we rarely have monthly passes for), we as men are still expected to pay for the first date.

Though New York girls are more likely than not to thank you for dinner, none of them ever think to thank us for the trip in.

If you're in a relationship you are expected to drive the New Yorker around the suburbs, even drive the New Yorker on road trips, maybe to her home state, but does the New Yorker pay for your travel in the City when you are traveling with him/her? No way. Four subway rides for me in a day = $9, for her free!!! Does she offer to lend me her transit card for one of those rides? No way.

This hasn't happened to me personally, but there are lots of New Yorkers who don't believe in travel parity even after a relationship is established.