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Tuesday, February 10, 2009


My search for a new apartment is frustrating me almost as much as Jdate did back when I subjected myself to the misery that is online dating.

How Jdate and apartment hunting are the same:

1. The pictures you see online are always misleading. The major difference is, however, that the apartments are way smaller than they appear online. The women of Jdate are usually larger.

2. Most descriptions of apartments and women are vague and generic, and all you have to go by are the pictures before you view the object of your desire in person. Then, see #1.

3. The handful of apartments and women that seem genuinely interesting and attractive online are never available when you try and get inside them.

How they're different:

1. I've never been out with a woman from Jdate that smelled like urine.

2. An apartment never cancels an appointment to see it at the last minute with some lame excuse about how its friend just went into labor.

3. I've never had a Jdate ask to see a credit report. Although, one did practically ask to see my pay stubs.

4. After a few days, or weeks at most, you won't see the same apartments online over and over again.

5. I know I'll eventually find an apartment I like.


del said...

This is so cool! It sounds like you are just about ready to get back into the dating saddle. ;)

Seriously, good luck on the habitation front. Maybe you should just look for a house given the current prices. There is some rabbinical advice that you should hasten to buy property, but be more careful in selecting a wife.

Anonymous said...

Subject: JDate misunderstanding Scene --Boy with friend and girl with friend each sit at computer screens in their homes. Brian: Hey, Jared. Dude, take a look at this girl's picture on JDate.Dude, she is a total babe!! Jared: Like dude, she is a beautiful babe. Totally send her an e-mail,dude. And let's go hit the keg at that Jewish frat party. Brian: Totally dude, but what should I write her? I mean she's a total hottay. Jared: Dude, just say "wasssup baby, how about you and I take a rideon the Jewish car of love?" Brian: Dude, you're a genius! (typing) Dear (looks closer) Fraydie613, Jared: Fraydie? Brian: Yeah, dude. (typing) Dear Fraydie613, you are certainly thesweetest thing on the internet. Do you want to take a ride in myJewish love car? There is nothing to be afraid of. (both laugh) Fraydie: Shani! Shani! Come quick, Boruch Hashem, I finally receivedan electronic message from that dating website your aunt put mypicture on. I am so excited I may just have to put on my Shabbos suitand finish all of tehillim. Shani: Oh Fraydie, I am so happy for you! Perhaps, b'ezras Hashem thiscould perhaps be your. bashert! Fraydie: Shani! Shani: Whoopsy, knanineh hurah! Fraydie: That's more like it, Shani. Shani: So, nu, what did this shtark boy have to say? Fraydie: Well, he first called me "very sweet" and asked me for adate, in his car! He said there e was nothing to be afraid of. Fear,yiras shamayim!! Shani: He is perfect! Fraydie: Wait till you see his picture. Here, isn't he cute? Shani: Oy veh! (she turns away) He is not wearing a shirt! Where arehis tztizis? And no kippah! Fraydie: Hello! Earth to Shani - isn't it obvious? Shani: No. Fraydie: It is a picture from the mikvah!! He's obviously very frum. Shani: Fraydie, you are so right - dan lecaf zechus. Fraydie: (typing) Dear Brian, I certainly think you are sweet too andI would love to take a ride with you in your fancy car... Shani: Maybe you should ask him ho w frum he is?Fraydie: Oh, you are right, Shani. (typing) Also, do you want yourwife to wear pants? Cause I do not wear pants. Let me know. Toodles.-Fraydie Brian: Dude. Jared: Yeah, dude. Brian: Fraydie wrote back. I am the luckiest man alive! Jared: Why, dude? Brian: Read this. She doesn't wear pants, dude! Jared: Huh? Brian: Dude! She's a free spirit. Probably walks around without pantseverywhere! Jared: You are the luckiest dude alive! Brian: (typing) Dear Fraydie, I'd like to meet you... as soon ashumanly possible. I've always dreamed of meeting a girl who doesn'twear pants. I give you credit - that's very bold of you. What otheritems of clothing do you not wear? Do you get cold? Where does someonelike you like to go on dates? -Brian Fraydie: (typing) Dear Brian, I will never wear a short skirt and Ican't stand tank tops or anything that is too tight. It is in myopinion that they are all disgusting. Where should we go? I feel ahotel lobby is always quick and easiest. -Fraydie Brian: DUDE! Jared: DUDE! Brian: She wants me to take her straight to a hotel! Jared: DUDE! Brian: This internet dating website is amazing! Jared: Ask her if she has a favorite hotel, you know. Brian: Okay. (typing) Which Hotel? Fraydie: (typing) My rebbe and my father always tell me to go to theMarriott. It's the most public of the hotels, that way people can seeus, watch us. And we'll have no problem of it being just us, you know,with yichud. Brian: DUDE! Jared: DUDE! Brian: This is getting weird. Her dad and rabbi told her what hotel touse! And she's not interested in it just being with me - this girl maybe too much for me to handle! She mentioned someone named Yichud. Whois that? Jared: Dude, I have no idea, but I like what I'm hearing. Brian: Dude, maybe she doesn't wear pants either! Jared: DUDE! Brian: (typing) Dear Fraydie, the Marriott sounds good to me and asfar as I'm concerned, I wouldn't want any problem with Yichud either.I'll make sure to bring my friend along. -Brian Fraydie: (typing) Dear Brian, This is really sounding great. Its niceto know you are so frum that you would like to bring a friend along tonot have the problem with yichud. You are very sweet, and very frum,and I feel we already are connecting in ways I can only dreamabout. Let's go out tonight if possible. The more I think about it themore I feel. this really could be bashert!!! Brian: (typing) Dear Fraydie, I'm totally excited for this! In fact, adude like myself has spent years dreaming of a night like this. Whoknew Internet dating could be so amazing. Send me your address ASAPand I'll be at your place with my friend Jared tonight at 8pm, so nopro blem with Yichud. We'll head straight to the Marriott. My treat. Nopants would be fantastic. This is really gonna be amazing. I canreally feel it. Oh, and one last thing... Who is Bashert, and does sheneed a date too?