Search This Blog

Monday, August 11, 2008


I often get emails from people seeking my advice as a "professional" dater. Given that I don't get paid to date, I would hardly consider myself a pro. I'm actually the exact opposite of a professional since my dates cost me money, and most often both parties walk away unsatisfied. So until the HR lady from Manwhores-R-Us calls me, I remain an amateur who has sidelined himself for the foreseeable future.

Semantics aside, however, these people have come to me in search of answers, and I feel compelled to provide them with some. I've gotten more emails asking me for my dating advice than I myself can believe so I've decided to answer one or two at a time in what will become a semi-regular posting entitled: "Reader Mail." If I don't respond to your email personally, look for the answers here. Your anonymity will always be maintained, as I'll only use your first initial, and I'll paraphrase your questions.

For the first installment of "Reader Mail," "J" wants to know how to get women to respond to him online.

Well, J, I don't think there's a question I'm less qualified to answer as you can tell from my many posts on the subject like this one, and this one, and this one, and this...well you get the idea. I've also been out of the online dating scene for a while with no intention of returning, but I'm assuming the same rules apply now as did back when I wrote those posts. That being said, I propose that you do the exact opposite of everything I did. If nothing I did worked, then the exact opposite must work. So let's put the Costanza philosophy to the test. I'll list what I did, and what you SHOULD do.

What I did: Post accurate pictures of myself.
What you should do: Do a google image search for "male models." Right click on the picture, select "save image as," and use that picture as your profile photo. Don't use anyone famous because the chicks will know something's up. If you can find two or three photos of the same guy, use 'em. If one of them happens to be of a shirtless male model, all the better. I'll even spot you a pic. Here you go:

What I did: Wrote an interesting and clever essay about myself in my profile.
What you should do: Write about how much you like to travel because you like to work hard and play harder. Write about how important your friends and family are, and throw in an "I can't believe I'm doing this," if you like. What the hell.

What I did: Emailed or IM'd women after carefully reading their profiles, making clever references to something they'd written about themselves. Asked questions to keep the conversation going.
What you should do: Don't even bother reading their profiles, or emailing them. Just IM them and ask them if they wanna fuck.

You may run into a bit of a problem when you show up to the date and they see you look nothing like your picture, but hey, that's a risk they take when they choose to do the online thing. Hopefully, they'll find the real you attractive enough not to storm out of the restaurant. I wouldn't keep my hopes up, though. Good luck, and let us know how it works out for you.

For our second and last question of this installment of "Reader Mail," "C" wants to know why guys don't call her when they say they will.

Again, I'm one of what appears to be a dying breed of guys who calls when they say they will, so my ability to answer this question is limited at best. I'd imagine if you're meeting these guys online, they're not calling because they're waiting to see how things pan out with all the other women whose numbers they've gotten. You're unfortunately at the bottom of the totem pole for them. If they're not calling after an actual date, then either they just said they'd call because that's what many guys do during that awkward end of the date moment because they don't know what else to say, or they met someone they think is better, and want to pursue her instead.

But the best advice I can give you is to get online and look for the male model with his shirt off, wearing that surfer dude necklace made of shells. He's not having that much luck either. But act fast because his dance card will fill up quickly. And if he IMs you and asks you if you wanna fuck, don't be offended. He probably just got some bad advice from a disillusioned ex-dater.


Samantha said...

I take it these people that contact you about your "professional advice" ( :o] ) haven't read your blog? I laugh along because dating is really hard and so funny - looking back on the date...not necessarily at the time. I like these though. Keep the advice coming, Abby.

del said...

That was hysterical! Maybe you should do horoscopes as well?

It would be poetic justice if somehow you were able to make money from posts (or advice) like this. Why not?

Prisqua said...

I hope no one will take this post seriously... it is difficult enough... lol

pillowtalker said...

This was hillarious and so true! The bit about enjoying traveling because you like to work hard and play harder is serious generic essay material for dating sites. Sometimes, I wonder if these dudes get together and just write one essay and copy and paste from each other....Also, very true that actually reading the woman's profile is seen as....too much effort by so many men on these sites. That is why I no longer do the online dating thing. It was such a generic experience!

Great entry.