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Friday, June 13, 2008

My Balls

I met a woman last night who told me her ex-boyfriend was really into yoga, and she thought he wasn't manly, as a result. Apparently that's why they broke up, she explained in detail.

Great, I thought. Ex-boyfriend talk less than twenty minutes into the date. That usually takes at least 25. And from someone seemingly so enlightened. This would be fun.

"He also shaved his balls, and wore cologne," she continued. "Isn't that gay?"

I was right. This WAS gonna be fun.

"You're talking to the wrong person," I said. "I do two out of those three things."

She began to look me over to see which one of the things on her list of gayness she could eliminate.

"You're thin so I could believe you do Yoga," she said, sniffing. "And I'm not smelling any cologne....Do you shave your balls?, " she asked, trying not to laugh.

"Not regularly. But if I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror before I jump in the shower, and I'm looking a little rabbinical down there, I'll bust out the mini-buzzer and do some landscaping." - Ask a completely inappropriate question on a first date, get a completely inappropriate answer.

"Dude, why are you on a date with me? You should be out with a guy," she said, sort of jokingly, but in a way that made me feel I was living a lie. "You want my ex's number?"

"We know we have at least two things in common."

"Yeah, and you could do them together," she responded, unable to control her laughter any longer.

Now she'd stepped over the line. What she was implying was completely unacceptable. I don't mind shaving another guy's balls, but doing Yoga with him is out of the question. That's just beyond gay.

I believe somewhere beneath the baggage she's drowning under because of her ex, there's actually a cool, sarcastic, funny chick. But I won't be around to find out because her ex just called me back, and we're spending the weekend at Fire Island shopping for Mach3s.

6 comments:

tamaraeden said...

Ok, this one really made me crack up. I'm a teacher. There are 25 9th graders in front of me testing, how inappropriate :)

Thanks.

marty said...

I'm busy perming down there. Does that make me gay?

Dating at Forty said...

That's fantastic. I may have to borrow the phrase "looking a little rabbinical down there." But I won't use it on a first date!

CupidsReviews Heidi said...

ha that's too funny! What a nutty girl....she sounds a little queer herself personally. AND very rude!

Lance said...

If she started in with the balls shaving questions, it would be game on. My response would be: "Yeah, I shave my balls. What about you, you keep your cooter trimmed?" Pretty simple, respond in kind, or just pretend like it doesn't affect you.

Herself said...

Soooo. She likes a smelly, hairy hulking brute? Yay her. Feh.