The Bikini Pic

I've always felt that bikini pictures on dating sites are the female equivalent of pictures of guys without shirts. They're cheesy, sort of classless, and they reek of desperation. Though not latently homosexual like their male counterparts, women who post only bikini pictures are essentially saying, "Hey, click on me, and look at my tits because I have nothing else to offer." Of course, I've always clicked because I'm not one of those no shirt guys, but during my now defunct career as an online dater, I never emailed one of those women. Desperation isn't a quality I look for in a mate, and besides, I figured these chicks were probably being seduced by hundreds of emails from guys writing, "I'd love to stick my face in between your funbags and blow" in the subject line. That's not a group I need to be a member of, so I'd get my cheap thrill by looking at the picture, and move on to the next profile.

So when the woman whose number I was given by a friend told me to check out her Facebook page to see a picture, and all she had posted were pictures of herself in bikinis, I started to lose interest. I'll admit that if the pictures were flattering, I'd have probably been into it. This wasn't happening on a dating site, and I didn't have to compete with the parade of funbag blowers. But all 5 pictures of her in her album were of her lying on her back in a bikini, wearing sunglasses and a hat. All I could really make out from the neck up was her red hair. Obviously, she was trying to hide her face, and I'm not all that sure this chick should be wearing a bikini altogether. As I examined the picture closely I realized why she was lying on her back in every picture - because almost everyone has a flat stomach when they're lying on their back.

In the past, I'd have just told her how great her pics were, and gone out on the date. But nowadays, I'm being a bit more discriminating - not that you could tell from some of the women I've gone out with recently. I decided to be bold and ask to see another pic. After all, the one of me that my friend was required to send to her before I was allowed the honor of receiving her number was a clear head shot, without sunglasses, a hat, or me lying on my back in a bikini. I thought it only fair.

"That's all I got," was her response to my request. "Take it or leave it!"

I so wanted to leave it. Oh god, did I want to leave it, but I'm not quite that ballsy yet. Instead, I went the usual passive aggressive route, and gave her the old "Let's touch base next week sometime to schedule a time to get together" routine. I've been doing that a lot lately, but to go on a date just for the sake of going on one no longer appeals to me - not that it ever really did. I know you need to get out there, but I've been out there for a while, and I'd rather sit home than go out with someone who'll only show me a picture of herself in disguise.

I hope for her sake, someone tells her that her pictures aren't doing her justice, if in fact there's any justice to be done. Until then, she'll have to ward off the poets on Jdate emailing her wanting to know if her carpet matches her drapes.