Got a call from my friend last night asking me for help. He wanted me to do a rewrite on his profile.
"Nah," I said, being the good friend that I am. "Leave me alone. I'm watching the Hilary/Obama debate. I'm trying to educate myself, and you're wasting my time with profiles."
"Come on, man," he pleaded. "My profile sucks. I need your help."
"Yes, your profile does suck, but I told you that 2 years ago. What's the rush all of a sudden?"
"There's this chick I met. I wanna show her my profile, but she's into really sarcastic guys," he explained. "I want her to see that I can be sarcastic."
"I don't understand," I asked, puzzled. "If you met her already, what does she need to see your profile for? Hasn't meeting you in person turned her off enough?"
"Seriously, man. I want her to see that I can be sarcastic," he continued to whine.
"So why weren't you sarcastic when you spoke in person? This whole thing makes no sense to me," I exclaimed.
"It was a quick conversation. I was nervous. I have her screen name so I wanna IM her. She'll read my profile, she'll see how sarcastic I am, and voila," he said.
"Did you just say 'voila?,' I asked, annoyed. I was actually gonna help you out, but now..."
"Please! This chick is so hot!," he begged one last time before I reluctantly acquiesced, giving in to the unwritten code of cavemen: "If one caveman think girl is hot, fellow caveman must help him club hot girl over head, and drag her back to his cave."
I doubt it will make it past the profile censors, but if you're a chick searching for guys online, and you happen to come across this profile, you'll know it was written by a sarcastic caveman for a pathetic caveman:
"I'm actually 65, but list my age as 32 to come up in searches. The picture is accurate, though. I just look damn good for my age thanks to extensive plastic surgery and prune juice. You'd be surprised how much staying regular contributes to a youthful appearance. I work hard and play hard... but only after I've taken a Cialis or two. My family is extremely important to me...not so much because I actually care about their well being, but because I plan on inheriting a lot of money from them some day soon. I guess I'm just looking for my partner in crime...mainly so I can have someone to rat out in exchange for immunity, if we ever got caught. If you wanna be the Bonnie to my Clyde, say hey."