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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The Caveman Code

Got a call from my friend last night asking me for help. He wanted me to do a rewrite on his profile.

"Nah," I said, being the good friend that I am. "Leave me alone. I'm watching the Hilary/Obama debate. I'm trying to educate myself, and you're wasting my time with profiles."

"Come on, man," he pleaded. "My profile sucks. I need your help."

"Yes, your profile does suck, but I told you that 2 years ago. What's the rush all of a sudden?"

"There's this chick I met. I wanna show her my profile, but she's into really sarcastic guys," he explained. "I want her to see that I can be sarcastic."

"I don't understand," I asked, puzzled. "If you met her already, what does she need to see your profile for? Hasn't meeting you in person turned her off enough?"

"Seriously, man. I want her to see that I can be sarcastic," he continued to whine.

"So why weren't you sarcastic when you spoke in person? This whole thing makes no sense to me," I exclaimed.

"It was a quick conversation. I was nervous. I have her screen name so I wanna IM her. She'll read my profile, she'll see how sarcastic I am, and voila," he said.

"Did you just say 'voila?,' I asked, annoyed. I was actually gonna help you out, but now..."

"Please! This chick is so hot!," he begged one last time before I reluctantly acquiesced, giving in to the unwritten code of cavemen: "If one caveman think girl is hot, fellow caveman must help him club hot girl over head, and drag her back to his cave."

I doubt it will make it past the profile censors, but if you're a chick searching for guys online, and you happen to come across this profile, you'll know it was written by a sarcastic caveman for a pathetic caveman:

"I'm actually 65, but list my age as 32 to come up in searches. The picture is accurate, though. I just look damn good for my age thanks to extensive plastic surgery and prune juice. You'd be surprised how much staying regular contributes to a youthful appearance. I work hard and play hard... but only after I've taken a Cialis or two. My family is extremely important to me...not so much because I actually care about their well being, but because I plan on inheriting a lot of money from them some day soon. I guess I'm just looking for my partner in crime...mainly so I can have someone to rat out in exchange for immunity, if we ever got caught. If you wanna be the Bonnie to my Clyde, say hey."


Sarah said...

That's definitely sarcastic, but if it's for Jdate, the censors will never let it through.

JJ said...

Assuming this works, how does the friend expect to maintain the sarcasm in real life?

mo said...

You're the Cyrano de Bergerac of profiles now. But JJ's right. What's this dude gonna do without you being sarcastic for him?

nolan said...

Is that true about the prune juice? Maybe I'll try that!

Linda said...

I'd never contact a guy who wrote that. It's TOO sarcastic. Almost obnoxious. But I guess that's what your friend asked for. The Cialis thing was an amusing take on the "work hard/play hard" cliche.

del said...

You could make a lot of money doing this!

So is it just the Cialis reference that would cause this to be censored from JDate?

Marc F. said...

Jdate is like the secret police in Stalinist Russia when it comes to censoring profiles. They'll delete stuff from your profile in the middle of a sentence, if it doesn't somehow jive with their policies...and you're left with a profile that makes no sense.

I've been off for a while, but I'm imagining their still up to the same old shit.