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Thursday, January 24, 2008

I'M STILL IN jLOVE...AND I CAN'T GET OUT!

I've unsubscribed from their list, I've sent emails from the "contact us" page on their site, but I still can't get these Jdate wannabes to stop sending me shit. So when I got the personalized email below from "Michelle," I decided to respond in kind with a personal plea of my own.

She wrote:

"Dear Matzohballs,

At Jlove, we know what captures the attention of our members a photo! By adding a photo to your profile you will significantly increase your chances of finding love. Impress other Jlove members with an intriguing and captivating photo of you and only you. Remember, members want to see who you are, not where you've been, the car you drive, your best friends or your precious pets. They want to see you!

Spread the Love,

Michelle
JLove Member Services

I wrote:

"Subject: Matzohballs

Dear Michelle,

I'm so grateful to you and the folks at Jlove for being genuinely concerned about my dating life. However, I'm actually married with 2 kids, and I was just using your service to troll for chicks when my wife is out of town. She travels a lot for work, and well, a guy has needs. I'm sure you can understand why I haven't posted a photo, as anonymity is really a key element in the adulterous one time rendezvous.

More importantly, though, your membership is lacking both in numbers and quality, and it simply isn't conducive for satisfying the needs of a married man looking for some side action. Additionally, having you constantly send me emails about my profile can get me into trouble with the wife should she ever catch a glimpse of my inbox. I thank you again for your concern, but I will have to respectfully ask that you cease and desist from sending me any additional forms of correspondence. All I've gotten from your service are unwanted emails, and a big pair of Matzoh-Blueballs.

Thanks, and spread the love...but please take me off your list."

5 comments:

nancy said...

You're stuck on that list forever until someone manually removes you, which will never happen because that will require them to do actual work.

isaac said...

I would imagine that if they actually read that, they'd delete any record of your existence, but somehow I doubt they read the emails sent to them. Try calling them. That may work.

Miranda said...

Oooh! Tricky! Do you think she'll guess you're taking the Mickey??!

jared said...

Expect "Michelle" and her automated friends to keep sending you shit. Good try, though.

ken said...

Matzoh-Blueballs....I dated a religious girl once who gave me those all the time.