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Monday, November 12, 2007

Don't Be Disappointed!

That's what my "friend" said to me AFTER I called and made a date with a woman whose number he'd given me.

"Don't be disappointed?!," I proclaimed. "Why the hell would you give me her number if you think I'd be disappointed?"

"I'm just saying, she's not that attractive...and kinda heavy too," he said.

I wanted to bitch slap him so hard, but instead I repeated my original question, only this time with more vigor.

"Why the fuck would you give me her number if you thought I'd be disappointed?"

"She's really nice. Just not attractive. Don't be so superficial," was his lame response.

"You're a dick!," was MY lame response.

Given that I'd already agreed to a date with this woman, I had no choice, but to go. I met her this weekend, and she was everything my friend described. Very nice, but beauty was not her strong suit. She was about 3 inches shorter, and 100 lbs heavier than me. Not my thing, and I WAS disappointed. Not because of her looks, not because my "friend" the shithead set me up with someone I found not even remotely attractive, but because this rather obese woman tongue raped me at the end of the date.

I walked her to her building, and as I was giving her the old "It was great to meet you. Take Care of yourself" routine, she lunged at me. I thought she was going in for the cheek kiss, but our lips touched, and she thrust her tongue into my mouth. I pulled back, fearing for my life, when she lunged in again for a second attack. I pulled back yet again, and by then she realized her advances weren't going to be reciprocated. We said good night and she went into her building. I felt bad. My intentions were not to insult her, but there was just no way it was gonna happen with her...not even after a 15 year conjugal visit free stretch at Leavenworth.

I lied in bed last night thinking how difficult it must be for her to attract men, and how embarrassing it must be for her to have a guy refuse such overt sexual advances. My guilt got the better of me, and I wasn't able to sleep well. At around 3am, I woke up, and started thinking about the date again when I felt something weird on my tongue. It was some kind of sore. I immediately called my friend, woke him up, and told him I was coming over to lick everything in his apartment so that he can catch whatever mutant strain of VD this chick I was feeling sorry for had given me. He laughed, and hung up.

I stopped by the doctor during lunch. Luckily it's nothing. I must've bitten my tongue at some point and that was the cause of the uncomfortable protrusion. He said to just leave it alone, and it would go away in a few days. Too bad you can't do that with friends who set you up on bad dates...leave them alone for a few days, and make them go away.


jared said...

Something similar happened to me once. Wouldv'e been an easy score, but it skeeved me out so I passed too.

rebecca said...

Wow, what a pitiful woman, don't trust this friend ever again!

dz said...

You have some real douchebags for friends. May be time to focus on getting new friends rather on dating.

McGregor said...

Man you're our O Henry. Beautiful stories. I agree with you in feeling bad for the woman.

qball said...

The big ladies need to go out and grab their lovin'. She tried and failed with you, but she'll find some horny dude who'll take her up on her offer sooner than later I'm sure.

del said...

I've met (overweight) women who GREET people the way you've described! And yes, even they find someone, at least temporarily.

So all this is still preferable to trying services at different synagogues?

Herself said...

I'm still giggling over this blog.
You're friend, however, is a jackass. Both to you and the lady. You know what you want, and your friend should respect both you and the lady enough not to set either up with people who would not be into them. Not cool on any level. Hurtful assholery.

Marc F. said...

Del, most anything is preferable to going to synagogue to meet women. Not my thing in the least.

Ava Mazur said...

Wow. First off your friend was horrible for putting you in this situation but you could have handeled it better. I am a girl who is overweight (granted not 100lbs) but there are plenty of people who find me attractive I do not have problems finding people to kiss me and have on many occasions been the one pacing the physical relationship. So dont feel too bad for he is not hopeless at home eating a pint of ice cream. ALlthough if she is maybe she will end up alone.

My question is even if you allready decided to go out with this girl why didnt you just establish it as a friendship date. You could have backpeddaled said you know im just looking for friends that could have detered her from the tounge raping. Even if you didnt go on the date wouldnt a canceled date have been less humiliating then giving her hope and essentailly leading her on?

Horrible humilating kiss rejects is what probably got her into tounge raping in the first place :P

Anonymous said...

On the bright side, he didn't get fingered.

Marc F. said...

"On the bright side, he didn't get fingered."

- Actually....