Judge Dreadful

So I still had a few phone numbers in my little book that I'd amassed spending all that time on Jdate, despite all the ignored emails and declined IMs. Though I'm no longer allowed to log on to the site, per my recovery program's guidelines, I'm still allowed to call the numbers I've gotten. The number that I called last night belonged to a judge. Yes, an actual judge, with the robe, gavel, and everything. I found it quite impressive that a woman barely 30 years of age was a judge, and her picture was cute so I called. We played phone tag for a day or two, but last night we spoke. Actually, I spoke. She just sort of grunted and gave me one or two word responses. What she had in career ambition and motivation she completely lacked in personality. It was without a doubt the most painful phone conversation to date. Her tone was completely businesslike. She possessed not the slightest ounce of animation or vibrancy in her voice. It was like I was talking to my accountant.

I called her around 9:30ish, and didn't leave a voicemail because I didn't want to do the phone tag thing yet again. I figured I'd call a bit later in the evening and try and get her on the phone. Being the professional that she is, however, she did call back within the hour, after seeing my number on the caller ID. I give her kudos for that. She doesn't screw around when it comes to professionalism and being businesslike.

Below is the transcript of the conversation, as best I can recall. Imagine the most monotone, disinterested voice you can when reading what she said.

Her: Hi, this is ****. I'm returning your call. (She's "returning my call"... like I called to make an appointment for a prostate exam or something).

Me: Oh, hi. How are you?

Her: Good. You?

Me: Great.

Awkward silence for at least 5 seconds.

Me: So how was your day?

Her: Busy. I'm still at work.

Me: At work at 10:30 at night. Wow. What are you doing there so late?

Her: I write my decisions.

Me: That sounds really interesting. So what kind of judge are you?

Her: (I don't recall exactly what she said. Something to do with the Environmental Protection Agency).

Me: So do you sit on a panel with other judges, or is it just you?

Her: Just me.

Me: Uh huh. Uh Huh.

More awkward silence. This chick was giving me NOTHING to work with. Christ, elaborate, woman. ELABORATE!

Me: So what type of cases do you deal with?

Her: Quality of life.

Me: (internal sigh): So do you render the final verdict or can a person appeal your decision?

Her: They can appeal.

Me: How high can they appeal?

Her: Just one level.

Me: That's pretty amazing. So you're in a position of considerable authority at such a young age.

Her: (almost robotic): Yes. I like what I do.

Now keep in mind that during the course of this conversation, she made no effort to ask about me. On top of that, she was calling from a very noisy building lobby where I could barely hear a lot of what she said, which wasn't much.

Then, as I'm struggling to think of something...ANYTHING to say to continue this conversation, she says, "Well, I'm gonna go. It was nice talking to you. I hope we can speak again." At that point I was thinking, "Really? Do you really wanna speak AGAIN? Sounds to me like you barely wanted to speak this time."

I politely wished her a good night, and crossed her number off my list, which is now officially down to one. A number I plan on calling this weekend... so stay tuned on Monday for how that one turns out.