I've read many a "Do Not Contact Me If" list, but this one is an instant classic:
"Do NOT contact me if: You have Cats(Gay!) You are in therapy more than one time a week You enjoy listening to Liza, Barbara, or Cher(also Gay...) You are unemployed You are Insecure You are affraid to commit You like to cook more than I do (again... Gay!) I have had enough of CRAZY...Looking for a NYC man who has his act together...I have to believe you are out there."
This woman clearly has HER "act together" and doesn't need therapy more than once a week so if you're an NYC man who enjoys gay bashing, and uttering phrases like "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," then this spelling and punctuation challenged chick may be for you. Find her fast because winners like her get snatched up quickly. Oh wait! Did I just use a form of the word "snatch?" That must mean I have snatch on the brain, and I'm not gay. Now I can definitely contact her. ...I'm an NYC Man who has his act together, my darling! And not only am I out there, but I'm comin' to get ya!