DINNER OR BUST

Last night I called yet another Jdate contestant in the poorly rated reality show that is my dating life. The purpose of the call was to establish a time and meeting place for a date tonight. She lives way downtown, and since I live uptown, I asked her if she'd be willing to meet somewhere in Midtown. A fair compromise, I thought. She wouldn't have it, though. In a very calm, passive aggressive voice, she said, "I'd really prefer to stay in my neighborhood. Can I convince you to come downtown? " I immediately responded, "No! Why must you be such an uncompromising pain in the ass? This is why you're in your mid-thirties and still single!" Well, that's what the little voice in my head said. What my mouth said was, "Sure. No problem."

We agree on a time, and she tells me we should have dinner. I tell her that I prefer drinks or a cup of coffee on a first date to keep things low key and casual. "Coffee is a Sunday thing," she says, "I want to have dinner." Now, I'm not a particularly big coffee drinker. I prefer tea. But I'm pretty damn sure I've seen people drinking coffee on days that weren't Sunday. I know for a fact that the 97 Starbucks in my neighborhood are open on days other than Sunday. I've been in French Roasts on a Tuesday, and Dunkin Donuts on a Friday so I know I'm not imagining this. I wasn't interested in getting into a debate with her about how the coffee industry relies on people consuming their product on the other six days of the week in order to stay in business. Instead, I just reiterated my belief that a first date really should be more casual than dinner. She was completely understanding, and in that passive aggressive tone of hers said, "If that's the way you feel, then let's not meet."

So we're not meeting, and she's not getting her free dinner...at least not from me. Seconds after we ended our conversation, I saw her online again...undoubtedly looking for some other sucker to buy her dinner tonight. I thought about IMing her the number for Meals on Wheels. They'd be perfect for her. Free food, and they'll deliver it right to her door. She won't even have to leave her apartment.