HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...LITERALLY

A while back I set up two friends. It didn't work out, and there was a disagreement among the two parties about whether the relationship had actually been consummated. He said it was, she said, and I quote: "He only stuck it in a little."

I found her claim of not having had sex with my friend illegitimate, since in my estimation, once it's in, it's in, even if it's only in a little. I've since lost touch with her, but I still speak to him and when her name comes up in conversation, the phrase, "But only a little" tends to get tossed about. For example, he might say, "I once took Nicole to that restaurant," and I'll say, "But only a little." Or I might say something like, "That was around the time you dated Nicole," and he might respond, "But only a little." We understand it makes no sense, but that's kind of the point given that having just a little bit of intercourse makes no sense either. So this friend and I got together this weekend with our lady friends, and at some point, "But only a little" was uttered by either me or him, I can't remember. It was a random "But only a little," having nothing to do with his ex. Sometimes we just say it to each other because we've run out of things to say. It's kind of like our own personal "Anyway," or "So what else?"

His current girlfriend, in whom I can only hope he is sticking it all the way, asked: "What are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," I said, knowing this was just the beginning of the interrogation by his need-to-know-every-fucking-thing girlfriend.

"What's only a little?" she asked, and I turned to my friend and motioned for him to give her the backstory, which he did. As regular readers of this blog know, I'm firmly against the mentioning of exes, either on dates or in actual relationships, but she would never have let this thing just go, and the story needed to be told.

Surprisingly, she was good humored about it, much to our relief, and followed up the storytelling with, "She's right. A little doesn't count."

I wanted to say, "Sure it does. Once it's in, it's in!" but in addition to having a policy against discussions of exes, I also have a policy of not discussing anything sexual with other women in front of my current woman. I subscribe to the "If nothing good can come from it, then shut the fuck up" school of relationship etiquette. It has served me well over the years when I've adhered to the rule, not so well when I haven't. So rather than deal with a conversation later at home that would go something like:

Her: Why are you talking about sticking it in a little or a lot with another woman?

Me: It was a joke. We were just making fun.

Her: Funny? That's funny to you?
I decided to just say, "Okay," and let the conversation die a natural, quiet death, which it did...until later that night when it was resurrected from its shallow grave in the restaurant and found its way into my apartment.


Her: Why are you talking about sticking it in a little or a lot with another woman?

Me: I didn't say anything. I PURPOSELY didn't say anything.

Her: What a jerk Alan is. Talking about that in front of Jeanette.

Me: I know, right?
Better to throw him under the bus than take even an ounce of blame, I thought.

Her: He probably had it in all the way, but he's so small...

Me: Whoa, sista! Getting kinda personal.

Her: THAT'S personal? He actually sat there and talked about penetrating his ex girlfriend in front of her...and me! I hope she dumps him.

Me: I hope so too.
But only because I don't like doing couples nights out. Otherwise, they could marry and have fifty kids for all I care -- just as long as they don't invite me to any of their birthday parties.

Her: I don't wanna go out with him anymore.

Me: Done.

Her: And by the way, it definitely counts.

Me: What does?

Her: Sticking it in a little.

Me: Thank you!
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