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Friday, April 9, 2010

HIS DOG LIKES PURDY GOILS

I thought I'd heard every lame pick-up line ever uttered by a man desperately trying to get a woman to acknowledge him. "You have any Irish in you?...Want some?" or "Your legs must be tired 'cause you been running through my mind" are just a couple of sad examples that come to mind of cavemen verbally trying to knock their female prey over the head with a club. But primitive as they are, if they go back to their caves at the end of the night with no woman to drag behind them, they can at least say they tried. I'd always admired that sort of "Me Wanna Fuck You!" approach to picking up women, mainly because it's not one I'd ever felt comfortable using. If "Hi" doesn't work, I'm pretty much out of material.

But my admiration turned to pity when I watched one such homo erectus try to pick up a woman in front of my building last night. She was speaking on her phone with what sounded like a South American accent.

"You from Sweden?" he asked her when she hung up. He looked like he was flexing a little through his wife beater, as he yanked on his dog's leash to prevent it from sniffing its master's prey.

"No," she said, smiling condescendingly, but in a way that made it seem like she was doing it politely.

"Poland?"

Poland, Sweden - same thing, I thought as I watched Cro-Magnon Man drown.

"Colombia," she said, as she tried to walk away.

Please don't tell her your sister went to college there, I thought. But he seemed to have run out of things to say until he could no longer control his dog, who began ferociously sniffing the chick's shoes. If its owner couldn't close the deal, the dog was determined to drag this chick back to its cave and be sniffing her ass before morning.

"My dog likes purdy goils," the guy said in a Brooklyn accent reminiscent of The Bowery Boys. It was his "Me Wanna Fuck You" Hail Mary, but it didn't work. She smiled again, pet the dog and went inside.

Turns out she was visiting a friend in my building. I know because I said "Hi" in the elevator and it worked. I didn't drag her by her hair back to my apartment, nor did I sniff her ass. But I have her number and all that may change soon.

4 comments:

Dark Cloud Nine said...

Sad truth is... (or maybe it's not sad at all but very positive) I always felt like the "line" in question mattered very very little... if I liked the guy and he came on to me with something really dumb, I found it endearing; if I didn't like the guy and he said something smart, I found it pretentious and thought he had rehearsed it. So I guess you're right, "Hi" does the work just as fine, it shows your interest and asks if there is any in return.

CoatMan said...

Goodness. I tend to think of even "hi" as a bit much for strangers with no pretext. Maybe it's a British thing...?

But best wishes with the Columbian!

Ari said...

Come on Marc, you need a nice Jewish girl. The Colombian is probably a Catholic.

samantha said...

So, I really love reading your posts, but the I check this thing once a day (work sucks) and the title on this one makes me queasy every time I refresh :) Thinking about a new post? We're dying to hear your grandmother's thoughts on the "Catholic" (along the lines of "I didn't raise my family Jewish to have you ruin the line with a Pope-lover!")