My Cell Phone Would Never Get Laid

I finally gave in and added texting as a feature on my phone. I resisted becoming one of the thumb typing masses for as long as I could, but was forced to give in and join their ranks. Too many people I know will only respond to a text, and as much as that makes me want to stop knowing them, I can't quite cut them out of my life just yet. So for the foreseeable future, I'll be typing punctuation free, grammatically incorrect texts like a kid spending his third year in the first grade.

I've been careful to keep the fact that I'm now a texter from those who might abuse such knowledge. As convenient as it is to have someone I'm meeting simply text me an address rather than have to listen to them try and shout it over the sound of a train pulling into the station, it's equally annoying to have that same person text me their exact location in real time as they make their way to our meeting. I don't care that you're at 42nd Street and are transferring trains, or that the cab is now turning onto Houston. Just fuckin' get here! If you're running late, THEN you can tell me where you are. Otherwise, keep yourself occupied by playing Tetris on your phone and stop wasting my texts. I only get 150 a month - and that's coming and going.

Despite the convenience, I still stand by my credo that texting is not a substitute for real communication. I don't know if I'd feel comfortable asking a women out via text, despite the fact that my phone comes equipped with a pre-fab text that says: "Would you like to join me for a date?" Now I know my phone is an older model, and I need to upgrade to one with a QWERTY keyboard so it doesn't take me ten minutes to type "I'll be there at 8," but how old is this damn phone? "Would you like to join me for a date?" is how you asked a woman out after having the operator connect you to her in Mayberry in 1957.

I'm waiting for Verizon to come out with the new phone I want. Hopefully, it'll have more game than my current phone, and I can join the rest of the male population by texting women instead of calling.