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Friday, May 23, 2008

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUYS WHO SCREW MY SHIT UP

After numerous discussions with single women, it's obvious that my cause is not being helped by a lot of the single guys out there. Their idiotic, childish, self involved behavior has heaped so much baggage upon so many available, desirable women that a dude like me doesn't stand a chance. As such, I feel compelled to address these unintentional cock blockers.

So:

To the guys out there who think "Wanna come over and fuck?" is a great opening line in an IM session, it's not. If it were that easy, nothing in the world would ever get accomplished. The entire infrastructure of our society would collapse. People would be screwing in the streets, instead of doing their jobs. There would be utter chaos, and we'd all wind up living in caves without electricity or plumbing.

To the guys who post pictures of themselves in their profiles without shirts, I've yet to meet a woman who thinks that's a turn on. No one gives a shit how much you can bench press, so put down the steroids and the barbells, walk away from the mirror you flex in front of all day, and pick up a book. Reading is fundamental, and you're probably gay anyway.

To the guys who tell chicks they "can get lost just staring into their eyes" on first dates, that'll only work if the chick is really into you. But if you're the type of guy who uses lines like that ten minutes after meeting someone, I can't imagine there are any chicks out there that would actually be into you anyway. Just tell her she has really pretty eyes. It's a compliment without being creepy, and you need to learn how not to be creepy.

To the guys who invite women to an event and tell them: "Your ticket is $65. You can pay me when I see you," that's something you tell your guy friend, not someone you hope to see naked. Unless, of course, you wanna see your guy friend naked, in which case, get in touch with the guy who poses shirtless on Jdate.

To the guys who insist on ordering for their dates in restaurants, stop taking your dating cues from movies from the 1930s. "The lady will have the lemon pepper shrimp " is not something you should be saying unless the lady has told you that's what she wants, and has given you the okay to order for her. Otherwise, let them order their own damn food. They're your dates, not your three year old daughters.

To the guys who say they're gonna call after a first date, but only intend on calling if nothing better comes along, stop being selfish douchebags. If you're not motivated enough to call her based on her own merits, just say, "It was nice meeting you," and go home. Odds are she wasn't interested in you anyway, so why not just go your separate ways like mature adults?

To the guys who practically show their dates their pay stubs, and brag about the apartments they just bought, just tell your dates you're insecure little shits with small dicks instead. At least they'll appreciate your honesty.

To the guys who ask women out via barely comprehensible text messages, grow up. You wanna text message people things like "LOL," or "ROFLMAO"? - go hang out in the mall with the other 14 year old girls and their Sidekicks, or pick up a goddamn phone, and ask a woman out like a man.

To the guys who lie in their profiles about their height, weight, or amount of hair on their heads, and then get pissed off when women do the same, the lying women are the ones you should be with. Why?- because you're both fucking liars! Let the herd of truth distorters be thinned so the rest of us who are honest can meet each other.

And finally to the self-proclaimed "players" who secretly video tape their conquests, and show the footage to their friends, as cool and as uber-hetero as you think that is, you too may wanna email the shirtless Jdate guy. You clearly don't respect women, and wanting other dudes to see your hairy balls and ass clearly indicates that your overcompensating by trying to bang as many women as possible.

It is to all these men, and to the others like them that I haven't mentioned in the interest of brevity, that I say:

You are the stinking turds nestled safely at the bottom of the dating pool. When you're discovered, women go running out and never want to jump back in. Remedy your ways, or don't go swimming anymore!

Sincerely,

Marc F.
5/23/08

16 comments:

Honey said...

You, my friend, are awesome. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I'd fly to New York so that we could go on a terrible date in which you would write me off completely.

Tiny E said...

So, Marc, wanna come over and fuck?

I mean, um, perfect post. I'm copying and pasting it into my Match profile as we speak.

Kpalms said...

From all the single women out there: thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. The last thing we need are more shirtless, insecure, text-messaging douchebags.

Dating at Forty said...

Bravo!!! Good to know I'm not the only one encountering cheap, lying, shirtless braggarts who -- you are so right -- are all probably gay. Fantastic post!

jz said...

I am not in primary care medicine: I do not want to excuse the HIPPA-violating, crude way you were treated. Rather, I want to explain the state of affairs in primary medicine today. Those docs are reimbursed poorly, starting with Medicare and the insurances companies that follow suit. The revenue is in high volume and ancillaries, such as Botox and vein sclerosing. Primary docs compete with PAs and nurse practitioners who each have much lower debt loads. Consequently, docs can pick and choose their patients. If you become a time-consuming complainer they will fire you as a patient. Good luck finding another one.

del said...

Hey! You turned your comments field back on! Why did you have it closed all this time? Anyway, this was a good post. In a way, I am glad you are still somewhat idealistic.

Julia G. said...

Marc - from the bottom of my heart, I thank you! If only this was posted in the middle of the sports section so every guy will read it. You have just done a good deed. Even if you change the ways of one man, you have done a mitzva.

Marc F. said...

Thank you all for the words of support.

I turned the comments off for a while because I got tired of moderating them.

saul said...

Actually, I prefer that these guys are able to run free and spread their "love"! It makes it easier for those of us guys that are not insane. Yes it will occasionally cause the "bittering" of a potential female partner, but what nice guy isnt slightly jaded anyway? respekt

Gila said...

Brilliant post! Truly--a service to humanity. Another giant THANK YOU from a single woman. :)

SatinBarbie said...

I've been in lust with you for a while but this post has now officially catapulted you to my top 5! You're excited I can tell. This post was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! Sooooooo true!! Thanks.

Maria said...

Hello Marc, I read a few of your posts, and I definitely enjoyed it. Spot on! All the best!

single woman seeking said...

I swear man, you've been reading my mail.

Mr. Darcy said...

I used to IM women on jdate with propositions to lick their genitals because I thought it's funny but I got banned. So you think I screwed your shit up? I'm sorry.

Prisqua said...

You are spot on!!!

lss12486 said...

Hahaha, after reading your post, I feel hopeful. Afterall, there are still some mature men left in the world. I believe that you will one day find a special lady who can appreciate your honesty, sense of humor, and respect for women. Keep the posts coming!