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Saturday, May 3, 2008

Nee How...

That's all I know how to say in Chinese, and I want to learn more. When I shared this desire with last night's date - a pretty, yet flighty resident of the Upper West Side - she seemed puzzled.

"Of all the languages you could learn, why waste your time on Chinese? Why not learn something useful like Spanish, or French, or something?"

"Because China is on its way to becoming the world's largest economy. If you wanna take advantage of that, you need to speak the language."

Her eyes lit up for a moment - like she hit the jackpot.

"So like, you're into finance and stuff?," she asked in such an excited tone that if she were a guy, she would have had a boner.

"Not really," I said. "I just wanna be able to have an actual conversation with the Chinese guy I buy my bootleg DVDs from. Right now our exchanges involve me asking him if it's a good copy, and him nodding, and saying, 'Beddy good. Beddy good copy.'...I've been buying movies from him for over a year, and I'd like our relationship to move on to the next level. And somehow I don't think he's gonna learn English."

Maybe I'm a really good actor, or maybe I don't convey sarcasm well, but for some reason, she didn't get it. I'm guessing it's because she's a moron.

"So, what? You're into Chinese men?," she asked in a disgusted tone - her "she-boner" now subsiding.

"No. I just think it would be really cool to be able to speak Chinese."

"I see," she responded, disappointed that I wasn't the rich international man of finance she was hoping to land.

"I'm sure you do, " I responded, disappointed that she turned out to be a potential candidate for the Real Housewives of NYC's second season.

The date wasn't a total loss, though. Because of her, I learned how to write "bitch" in Chinese when I got home:

What can't you find with google?