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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Drunk Chick

I'm very uncomfortable being around drunk people. One fear of mine is that when a person gets piss drunk, they're gonna tell me how they really feel about me. My main concern, though, is being vomited on. I always try and maintain a vomit free buffer zone between myself and the drunk in question. I'd say six feet at the absolute minimum. If I can smell or taste the booze on them, they're too close.

So when I showed up on Saturday night for my date with this chick I met through work, and she was fall down, speech slurring, shit faced drunk, I tried to maintain my distance. We sat across the table from each other, as this 12 step program candidate explained to me how she'd met her friends earlier that evening for A drink - "A," as in one. Either someone dropped a roofie and some PCP into that one drink, or this chick had more than A drink. I'm leaning towards the latter.

Maybe two minutes into our conversation, she verped - and I smelled and tasted it. We were way too close to each other, and in clear violation of my six foot buffer zone requirement. I needed to escape before the salami sandwich that was clearly somewhere inside of her wound up on me.

"EXCUSE ME!," she said, chuckling.

At least she's a polite drunk, I thought - that is until I tried to end the date.

"I'm gonna go. Can I get you a cab?," I asked her, as I got up.

"What's the rush? Sit down," she slurred.

"I'd rather go. Let me get you a cab."

What followed was the realization of my first fear of being around drunk people. The words "pussy," and "loser" were used a few times, as she turned into everyone's favorite type of alcoholic - the angry drunk. I wasn't about to stand there and be insulted, while waiting for the second fear to come to fruition. The angrier she got, the more she looked like she was gonna blow - and not in a good way. Sure, some guys might have taken advantage of the situation to satisfy their libidinous desires, but I'm both a gentleman, and someone who REALLY does not like to be thrown up on.

I left Lindsay Lohan's older, less attractive sister at the table, and informed the waiter that he might want to get the cleaning staff on alert before this chick ruined their table clothes.

Being the philanthropist that I am, however, the date left me undaunted, and with an idea for a charitable organization: MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DATING. I already stole the logo from Mothers Against Drunk Driving:

I just need to replace the key in the image with a picture of a slobbering, vomit covered, 32 year old chick who's likely to be single for some time to come. Too bad I don't know how to use Photoshop.