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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Relationship Experts

A simple google search will reveal that there's no shortage of "relationship experts" offering their oh so sage counsel on dating and love. For those already in relationships, "communication is key" is the standard mantra you'll be taught, if you're willing to plunk down the cash for a session with some person who calls themselves "Doctor" followed by their first name. If you're looking for love, "it's a numbers game" is what they'll tell you, if you download their e-book for $19.99. They'll even give you great tips on where to go to meet the park, or museums. Stuff you never would have thought of on your own.

One "expert"will help you find love in her "Love Coaching Camp" for a nominal fee of $950. She herself has yet to find love, however, which is surprising given that her personal blog is filled with gems like: "Meeting new guys has become s-o-o-o-o lame. I'm just so over it already!"

Though the market is flooded with these love shysters, I think I'll enter the market as well. I'm just as unqualified to offer advice as any of these people, and I'll do it for free....until, of course, I get on Oprah and tell a weeping woman that she needs to leave the guy who's cheated on her for the 14th time. Once I offer that ingenious piece of wisdom, and Oprah endorses it with a "Mmm Hmm, girl," I'll have to start charging. The demand for my services will simply be too great to provide them free of charge.

But until then, if you have any relationship questions, just ask Dr. Marc. I promise to offer the most generic and useless advice I possibly can.


jared said...

Dr. Marc,
My girlfriend gets really upset when she catches me watching porn. what should I do?

Marc F. said...

Jared- As you know, communication is key in a relationship, but you'd be best advised to lock the door when you jerk off.

Max said...

Getting on Oprah may be a bit too ambitious at first. You may have to start your talk show junket with Maury or Springer.

dina said...

I'd be curious to know what kind of advice this woman is giving for $950.

Anonymous said...

I once used a so called "expert" for advice about how to meet a man. Her advice was so uninspired that I wound up disputing the charge on my credit card.

Don'tCallMeMarvin said...

A buddy of mine paid some broad a grand to be his astrologer/ matchmaker/relationship counselor. He had 2 sessions with her. She told him that he was too picky and she didn't set him up on a single date-but kept his money. he was stupid enough to pay cash unlike anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Dr Marc,
I get really upset when my boyfriend locks himself in the bedroom and jerks off to porn. What should I do?