LET US PRAY: TALES OF A VAGINA-PHOBE

On the Upper West Side of Manhattan, there are those who engage in sexual intercourse and those who do not. These are their stories:

Rudy is an orthodox Jew who in over thirty years of existence has yet to penetrate a woman. Some might say he's merely adhering to the Jewish law prohibiting sexual contact with a woman who is not your wife, and some might say he suffers from an acute case of vagina-phobia. Others just think he's gay. As far as I'm concerned, the jury is still out, but I just love his date stories - especially the one he relayed to me this past weekend.

Rudy met a girl online. They had a nice chat walking through Central Park and things were going smoothly. At some point, the girl asked Rudy, a software engineer, back to her apartment to see if he could fix her Mac. I thought this story was headed in the same direction as the experience I once had with a woman who asked me to fix her computer, but Rudy's story was much better. After he played with her Macbook, she invited him to her bedroom and told him how much she loved the gap in between his two front teeth. She was so turned on by the chasm that she proceeded to lick the gap, getting hotter and wetter with each stroke of of his gum with her tongue. They wound up in her bed with the girl on top of Rudy, licking and moaning. Just as things were about to take a turn for the naked, Rudy abruptly stopped the proceedings in their tracks. Looking at his watch, he declared, "It's getting late. I have to daven mincha (pray the afternoon prayer) before dark." The girl looked at him stunned and befuddled, as he got up off the bed and walked into the hallway in front of her apartment and started to pray. After his fifteen or so minute communion with God, he knocked on the door but was refused re-entry. As he told the story, I could sense he was relieved by the fact that he was sent packing and was spared from having to actually see a vagina. I explained to Rudy that god probably would've been cool with him missing the afternoon prayer and that next time he finds himself in a similar situation, he should let the girl keep licking. He nodded and told me I was right, but I could tell from the look in his eyes that the vagina-phobe will have another story for me soon.

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